Saturday, April 23, 2011

charlotte's web...

Tonight I am very much reminded of a quote from the movie "Charlotte's Web". The narrator talks about Wilbur's inability to get to sleep and says, "When your stomach is empty and your mind is full, it's often very hard to fall asleep."

Amen. There is so much on my mind. And I'm hungry, but I don't feel like eating anything. Which is why I'm up. That quote kept running through my head, as well as all of the other things and it made me laugh.

Finals are next week. I finished my rough draft of my philosophy paper tonight. I'll probably look over it tomorrow before I submit it. College algebra? I just can't. I care so much that it stresses me past the point tears, and I can't see my notes or review sheets. It's pathetic. Psychology final? Hopefully it will be okay. I got 106/100 on my midterm.

I'm upset. I don't know why. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't even study anymore.

Perhaps it's because of the unknown of tomorrow. I may or may not see Aries. I don't want to see him, but I am not going to miss a friend's mission farewell because of this whole mess. It is a mess, one I'm finding very hard to clean up, or keep clean, because it just keeps coming back.

Today was Jordan's birthday. He went through the temple for the first time in preparation for his mission. I made some cookies for him, chocolate peppermint drops. Next time I'll use Andes mints instead of York patties, which the recipe called for. The peppermint candy center would melt and, unlike chocolate, wouldn't reform well so the batter didn't set nicely. I hope he likes them. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Jordan!! I love you!!

Do you ever feel so much for a person that you start to get mad at them? Do you ever look at someone and realize how much you care and just wish you could yell, "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO WONDERFUL?! STOP IT!!" And then you get angry at yourself because it's not the other person's fault. It's entirely YOUR fault. And it hurts, and it's ridiculous. It's all because you know it's not right. Whether it's timing or personality or dreams or any number of factors--it's not right. And all the same, you still wish for it to be right. "Don't wish. Don't start. Wishing only wounds the heart."

He gave me pennies today. Three of them. He found them in Logan, and said that each time he found one, he thought of me.

I'm the biggest drama queen ever. Just a pathetic little child.

My parents gave me a bouquet of roses last night at the concert. I'm looking at them right now. They're so pretty!! I love roses. I'm starting to love daffodils, too. I never really noticed them until this spring. Someone planted them at random all over campus. They're so bright and yellow and odd looking, you can't help but notice them. It's not a bad odd, though. It's a confident sort of odd, a flower of such a strange shape standing so tall and bold, but delicate as it bobs its head in the breeze. Hello, hello, it seems to whisper, I'm giving you something to smile about. Cheer up! Chin up! Cheer up! Flowers. Love.

This post is a tangled web of thoughts. They don't connect, but somehow they do connect, one idea jumping from another. Tangled webs. Tangled hearts and minds, tangled lives.

I love that movie, by the way. I think I will watch it when my finals are over. If I have time. If not, then I'll watch it the week after choir tour.

My finger hurts. The pointer finger on my left hand. Every time I type a key with it, it feels like it's jammed. I'll take the hint and finish.

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