marriage...

You may find it odd, but where I come from this is the time of life where people start talking, thinking, and dreaming of marriage. Yeah, 19-25 is generally considered young by the world's standards, but here? It's just the way it is. That's what life is about, getting married and starting a family of your own. I don't mind that at all. For some people, marriage at age 19 or 20 is a great thing. For me? Not so much.

As I've been talking to friends who are in serious relationships that probably will progress into marriages, I've been thinking about what I want in my own life. I've been thinking about dreams and fears and how everything is supposed to work out. I don't know how it's all going to work out. It's not really my job to know the future, and at this point in my life knowing the future would probably throw me into hysterics that would only be ended under the influence of a very strong sedative.

I'm very afraid. Not of getting married. A lot of the young people I know, who are quickly becoming my dear friends, are afraid of getting married. They worry about the wedding and the reception and finding a house and a car and such. For me, I worry more about the years after the wedding. I wonder if the man I loved on that special day of the white dress will become someone I don't know anymore. Will he still love me? Or will I just be the housekeeper who doesn't go home when five o'clock rolls around?

My mom once said this: "Marriage is a partnership; it is not a hospital." Yes, I want to be cared for. I want to be loved. I want to care for someone, and to love someone too. What I don't want, and what I fear will happen, is that I will become something like a single woman sharing the last name and living space of a man she is legally married to but who no longer is interested in the marriage relationship. I worry that love will die, that I'll end up taking care of him and he won't be interested in helping me with anything. I don't want to sound selfish in saying I want to be taken care of and loved. I don't mean that I want him to do all of the work and put all of the effort into the relationship or the family. What I do mean is that I want us to work together, to share things. Partners. Lovers. Best friends.

Perhaps it's too much to ask. Maybe I just need to stop being afraid. In fact, I should probably be focusing on choosing a major right now. That's a more pressing issue, seeing as I'm graduating with my AS degree at the end of the month and registration for next year is on, what...Thursday? Yep.