you missed...

I received a comment from a friend about creating. I decided to try creating again...I don't know if it's any good, but it helps me wrap my head around what's going on. I'm feeling extremely confused about why I'm so down. It doesn't make sense-I've got so much to be happy about but when I start counting those things, I don't feel better. I actually feel worse. So I decided to try something. I picked two random words from a book. I opened the pages, closed my eyes, and pointed. These are the words I found: "missed" and "you".

With those words, I wrote the first things that came to mind and titled it "You Missed". I don't know if this worked out at all, but I feel better for some reason.

You came to me

late one night,

when the shadows

made pictures on the walls,

creeping along the fence

and hiding from the

touch of the

streetlight.

You came to me

with tears in your voice,

your head hanging,

ashamed to be

feeling the way

that you were.

You asked me for help,

and I gave it.

You came to me

and asked me

to catch you,

to be there when

you were falling.

You asked me

to reach out,

and I did.

Now it’s my turn

to come to you,

when the shadows

creep into my heart

from outside,

leaving their walls

and fences

to darken my mind.

I came to you,

unafraid of

how I felt.

Unashamed,

for I knew

that you’d catch me

as I started

to fall.

And you missed.

mapped me...

I was reminded of this tonight by a fellow blogger. I did it about a year ago when a friend tagged me. Let's do it again.

lips: split (i've been worried of late)
eyes: sleepy
ears: selective
mind: agitated
body: listless
heart: empty

I feel too much sadness, and no matter how I try I cannot find ways to push it aside to make room for any joy.

my wish tonight...

Have you ever missed someone so badly that they're constantly on your mind? Has there ever been a time when no matter what you do, their face swims in front of your eyes, smiling and laughing?

Oh, it's that time again. No matter what I'm doing, that name keeps racing around and around in my head: in math class, while polishing choreography, cleaning my room, everything I've done today. What I would give to hear his voice, or even read words that he typed.

You know that you've become really good friends with someone when you ache for them. It's so hard having the person who somehow knows you the best and who you're closest to live too far away to see everyday, or even once a week.

And so my wish tonight: for him to be happy, and to somehow be able to hear his voice.

************

My other wish: to have someone write that scholarship essay for me because I have absolutely no ideas whatsoever. :P

some stuff...

The costumes were due today. I only had one to bring; my neighbor did a beautiful job on the "Grease" skirt and it totally fits perfectly. I'm finishing it up the hem and the waist band to make sure it's the right length and stuff, and I kind of know how to do that. So today I took the skirt and the white blouse I found to go with it, feeling overwhelmed and nervous because the other one is just getting started and afraid that I'd be in trouble.

On the contrary, Mrs. Wilde (the costume mistress for the whole show) was very pleased, especially when her daughter told her that I have no experience whatsoever with this (8th grade does not count; we didn't even cut out patterns. They were all ready finished and then my friend helped me do all the rest because I was so confused). She agreed when I said I was taking about 6 inches off of the skirt (yep...I'm short) so it would hit mid-calf, and she loves the idea of wearing a fluffy petticoat underneath (thank you PCT costume closet). She also loved the blouse and asked where I got it so she could tell other girls in choir.

Then I told her about the Anita costume: dark purple with glittery pinkish sparkles all over it, a medium full skirt, and a tie around the waist that makes a big bow in the front. Then there's going to be gold drop earrings, a gold necklace, my hair curled with half up half down (that was her idea; she told me "it's too gorgeous to hide in a bun!! We're keeping it visible, girl!!") and possibly a flower in my hair, like a yellow lily or big white carnation or something. Not red, it'd look funny with the purple fabric.

So, yeah. Mrs. Wilde seems happy, and she said she is really glad that I've taken it so seriously. A lot of people haven't even started looking for costumes, and some of the stuff people have found is way too modern because they didn't do the costume research assignment. I didn't really need to; my family is so into theatre that all of that just seems to come naturally.

*****************

The Anita costume is actually coming along. I cut out the pattern on Tuesday night here at home, then last night my dad and I went to my Nana's house and cut out the fabric with her. Grandpa made us the most wonderful grilled cheese sandwiches ever; I thought I'd mention them because they were really fabulous and made me happy.

Nana and I pinned the pattern pieces onto the fabric together. I started helping with cutting it out, but my scissors are terrible and the fabric was really slippery, so it wasn't working. I sat with Nana and talked about different things; the skiing events that were on the TV, my mom and her brother when they were little (mom was a lot like me; we both started talking when we were about 8 months old. In complete sentences. ??), scriptures, sewing, and the play coming up in the summer at PCT ("Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat"). It was kind of cool to just talk with her.

When we got finished, dad and Nana started talking about lots of different things, too. I don't remember much; I was so tired that I was focusing on trying not to fall asleep. We decided to go at about 7:30. On our way, I asked if we could stop by Zach's house so I could just say hi. I miss him so much that it hurts (literally-it's driving me crazy). I didn't think dad would go for it, but he did!!

I only stayed for about 30 seconds on the front porch. Daniel opened the door and jumped on me to give me a hug. Then before I even finished asking if Zach was home, he skidded into the room looking very excited. All of a sudden he became very worried and grabbed me while asking if something was wrong. It kind of made me laugh; I've been told lately that I don't look well at all (wonder why) and apparently he agrees. I gave him the note I wrote just in case he wasn't home, then said good-bye. He looked disappointed, but I told him dad was out in the car and he understood. It was so good to see him, even for a few seconds. I don't know what it is about him, but he just makes me want to keep moving forward.

It was a good thing we stopped. We were almost at the freeway when I felt something poking me and realized I had forgotten to give Nana the zipper, thread, and dress hooks. Haha. Oops. So dad turned around and we went back. I'm glad he wasn't mad at me. That would have been very bad.

Things keep working out. I feel lousy, shattered (still), and exhausted, but things are working out. Seeing my best friend has helped a lot; today was better. Not to mention I only had two classes so I came home and slept for three hours. And I drove Jordan home again today, and talking to him was really great.

Oh, did I tell you how much I hate ballroom? Well...that's getting better, too. One of the boys in my grade, Garrett, taught my class on Tuesday because Mrs. Davis was gone. Several times when there was a partner rotation and I'd end up alone (we have 16 girls in the class and 10 boys), he'd come dance with me. It was very, very helpful. He talked to me after class and told me that when I have a good lead, I do very well "which is kind of how it goes in ballroom, so don't beat yourself up about it."

Today I was talking to him again, and he was thinking out loud about ways that he could maybe help me. Then, out of nowhere, he jumped up and yelled "Oh! I am so blindfolding you next time!!" Then he explained why: when I was dancing with him I realized that I kept fighting his lead. I was just doing it subconsciously, and even though I'd figured it out I couldn't stop. Garrett said he wants to try having me dance without being able to see so I have to rely on a lead. That is going to be nerve wracking.

It's been interesting this week. Overall I'd rate it as a 2 out of 10 the way I feel, but the way things are going? Probably an 8 out of 10.

2 am...

Last night was very long, worrying, and emotionally draining. It was nearly 1:00, and I was about to climb into bed (huzzah!!) when I literally heard the words "you need to get back onto the computer" in my mind.

I have learned that when this voice says things that you listen to it. So I did. I got on the computer and hit Facebook. A friend of mine was on. I sat there staring at his name, debating on whether or not to say hello. I don't like initiating conversations with friends; I'm afraid that they'll be bothered or won't want to talk at the moment. I finally decided to click on the name and said hello, then I asked a question: "What makes you happy?"

At the time I was feeling horrible. Yesterday was another bad day (though not as bad as Monday) and I was definitely shattered. But as I talked to my friend, I found that he's hurting a lot more than I am but he's much more alone.

We talked until 2 in the morning. I hope it helped him, and I hope he knows how much I care about him. He's such a great person, and a wonderful friend. I wish I could do more. Hopefully I'll think of something, or that the little voice will come back and nudge me in the right direction.

did i mention i don't sew?

Other than the clothing class I took in 8th grade and the minimal running stitch practice I did while volunteering at a living history museum, I don't sew. I just don't know how. I've tried to learn and been thoroughly frustrated or messed up enough that it's more cost effective to go buy a costume.

Well...now I "sew". Or I at least do the steps it takes to have someone help me sew. I now know how to:

• read a pattern for yardage, measurements/sizes, etc.
• find a pattern
• find fabric that will work with pattern
• tell the different between an invisible zipper and an all-purpose zipper
• tell the different between a 20 in. zipper and a 7 in. zipper (stupid)
• figure out what interfacing is
• choose patterns to fit body shape/type
• read pattern directions
• cut out pattern pieces
• iron out pattern pieces on a temperature where the paper just flattens and doesn't burn
• mark fabric
• pin patterns
• cut out fabric with pattern pieces laid out WITH the grain

Sounds stupid and simple, but not so. There's been a lot of frustration and a lot (and I mean a LOT) of tears. No joke. But I now have one costume cut out (pattern and fabric) and the second costume pattern cut out. The first has gone to a neighbor's home to be put together (because my new found "skills" end there-I can't figure that out in two days. I can't even thread a bobbin) and the other one will be cut out tomorrow and taken to my Nana's house who is going to help me sew it together.

The costumes are for "Seasons of Love". One is for "Grease" (blue skirt), and the other is for "West Side Story"/pre-show character (purple dress). I'm scared I've screwed them both up, but hopefully I didn't.

In short, I don't sew. BUT now I do the other stuff. Woot. :P

what i've eaten today...

1. 1 dark chocolate dipped peppermint stick
2. 1 gummy pineapple candy
3. 1 bagel w/melted cheese
4. 1/2 20 oz. Coke
   

Oh yeah. This is what we call..."busy".

In short it was a productive but rather horrible day. I don't want to talk about it right now though. No more thinking, doing, anything. Sleeping. Although sleeping is doing something...ugh.

40, 32, 41...

so. close.

...this is what progress looks like, people...




!! wee cahn doo eet !!

a snowy day...

Come see what I saw while walking through my neighborhood today. I was selling tickets to help pay for my choir tour, and I just happened to have my camera with me.

geese flying over my neighborhood

birds resting after the storm

reminders of spring

mountains...clouds...sky...happy

It was a good walk. I got to see lots of pretty things, plus I made more money to help pay for tour. Double win.

Oh! Tonight was my sister's performance with All-State Junior Honor Choir. And guess what? She had a solo!! It was a total surprise for all of us, including her. She tried out yesterday for a solo in the last big number and got "second place" (it was kind of like American Idol she said) out of 160 girls. :D :D :D Go, Meghan!! Then, two hours before the performance, the director asked her if she would solo on another song because "I felt badly that there wasn't a spot for you because you did so well and I couldn't get you out of my head all night long". Haha!! So Meghan had a solo on a song called "Dancing Tree". Here's a picture of her and the director, Dr. Broomhead (no joke). He also knows Mrs. Mathews, my choir teacher, and said he'll be keeping an eye on Meghan, me, and Amanda. :)

It's kind of a lousy picture, but there was a long line of people waiting to talk to him. Sorry about the blurry faces-they actually look a little bit different than that. Haha :).

a vague family reunion...

"A Vague Family Reunion" is not the title. I just titled the post that 'cause this story doesn't have one yet. And it made my sister laugh really hard when I called it a vague family reunion, so...yeah. The assignment was to "describe a typical family reunion". Most people write about hot dogs and hamburgers and picnic tables and playing football with their cousins. I wanted to try something different. I wasn't thinking of me when I wrote it. I guess in a way it is about me when I was 2 or so, but it could be anyone. Anyway, this is what came to mind:


The purple van stopped within the white lines. A second later, the side door flew open and out tumbled a small girl. The gentle breeze instantly began curling its fingers through her silky blonde curls. She batted the tendrils out of her eyes and surveyed her surroundings. The park was large to such a small child; emerald bristles under her feet stretching far into the distance, towering pine trees like sentinels awaiting to announce her arrival, and a sapphire fountain calling for her to play. Radiant yellow daffodils, their upside down teacup heads coloring the winding cement path, called hello as they bowed in the breeze.

The girl cupped her hands to her eyes, shielding them from the bright kisses the sun placed upon her skin. Gazing around the area, blue eyes wide with excitement, she let loose a squeal of delight and scampered across the long green field. A blur of pink jumper, white tights, golden curls, and chiming laughter, she raced up the sloping lawn. Her target in sight, she launched herself into the air with a whoop into the outstretched arms of her favorite uncle. Tall, smiling, blue eyed, and just as mischievous as herself, together they put the "double" in double trouble.

The girl's uncle twirled her around and around in the air, laughing as she squealed again and again. Her feet went high enough to tickle the undersides' of the passing clouds; the world a blur of color and sound as she whooshed through the air. Finally the two were both so dizzy that they collapsed to the ground in a heap, tangled together in fits of giggles.

More laughter joined theirs; the girl looked up and with a shout of excitement, she leapt to her feet and ran to embrace her grandmother and grandfather. Not so tall as uncle, or quite so young, they still had the smiling faces and blue eyes that mirrored her own. Snuggling into grandma's arms and reaching out to pat grandpa's cheek, she laughed and smiled at all around her. Soon she was passed from aunt to uncle to mother and back, doted upon as only a single grandchild or niece can be.

But it was enough; she was ready to explore once more. The daffodils still whispered hello; the fountain still invited her to play; the wind still asked to braid her hair. Slipping off of her father's lap, she was caught by the wind. Carrying her along, almost above the ground, it took her to see her world on its back. Her laughter still reached her watching family; her eyes sparkling as she reminded them of what it was to be new in the world.

Preference 2010...

Well, it went all right. It probably could have been better, but hey, I'm happy with what happened. It's not like my date wouldn't dance with me at all (there was one girl who was GORGEOUS!! and her date sat on the sides the whole time no matter how much she asked/begged/cried for him to come and dance with her), or my dress ripped (thank goodness it didn't this time), or my parents were super crazy chaperons. Oh, wait. They were super crazy chaperons. But in a good way.

Like I said before, I got my hair done for Preference by a stylist. Never done that before, so it was scary/fun/interesting. It turned out really well, I think. Wanna see?

So yeah. That was great. Coty and I drove together in her car (aka I drove Coty's car because her mom wouldn't let her and I couldn't drive mine because my dress wouldn't fit [aka our little "switcharoo" as Coty called it {but with permission}]). We picked up her date (John) and my date (Tyler) and then drove to Rachael's house to do pictures.

Okay, I'm going to be really brave and post a picture of Tyler and me. I hate doing this, but...well, it was fun and I want you to see. Just don't judge me, okay? (see, blogger anonymity allows you so many freedoms, like freedom from how you look and such. ugh.)


*wince* Yeah. That's me. My date is Tyler, and it was so cool! His tie totally matched my dress!! And he gave me a lily corsage. I've only ever had roses and carnations before; it was way amazing.

Pictures were interesting; one of the girls had a problem with her hair so we did my pictures and Coty's pictures first, then went to dinner at Mimi's Cafe. It was so good. The only problem was that my friends' dates talked to me more than my date did. He just sat there playing with his steak knife. It was kind of uncomfortable. I even asked him what he wanted to talk about (so stupid, but I couldn't think of anything) and he just sat there. So that wasn't so fun. Jace (he and I went to the Christmas party together) included me in his conversation with Rachael a lot, and a couple of times when she was busy he looked at me and asked if I was okay through thumbs-up, thumbs-down. I gave him thumbs-up, but he didn't believe me. I was fine, really. A little bored, but how many times do you get to be a princess out in public? I was not going to let anything ruin the night. :)

The night did sort of get ruined at the dance. Everything was going great. My mom and dad were there as chaperons (I thought it was ironic how the first day I'm legally an adult my parents are asked to chaperon the dance I'm going to with a date...lol), and they were actually really fun. Dad asked me to dance when the song "So Close" was playing (I have yet to look up all of the lyrics), and he was crying a little bit. I didn't really know what to do, so I just smiled and hugged him while we twirled around. Tyler danced with my mom. That was funny. Then everyone at the dance sang "Happy Birthday" to me and three other girls (we had to go stand in front of the speakers with lights on us...it was interesting) and Corey, Jake, and Jason all "proposed" to me. That was kind of weird. Oh, and Kevin remembered it was my birthday and...he gave me a hug!! Whoa!! That never happens!! He was the only friend all day who remembered it was my birthday. Even my date forgot. His mom was so mad, it was funny.

Where the problem started was when I started to feel really sick. I didn't want to leave, but it started to get worse and I had to drive home. We ended up going 45 minutes early. I felt bad, but it was better than sticking around and having something happen. Besides, Tyler wasn't really talking to me again/dancing with me. Whenever a slow song came on he'd just stand there and look around the room at other people. Then when I'd ask him to dance he wouldn't look at me. I guess he's really shy on dates.

Best part of the night? While we were at the restaurant, a mom came up to me with her little girl, and two others behind her. She leaned down next to me and said, "My daughters wanted you to know that you look beautiful and sparkly and they want to look like you when they grow up."

Seriously? Best thing that has ever happened to me. It totally made my day/night/year/life forever.

Overall it was a really fun night. Some things could have been different, but still. It was a good dance, with good friends. I'm happy. I even posted a picture. Lol. *wince again*

ees mah birfday!!!

I am now

OFFICIALLY

18.

Yeah. Weird.

And it's Preference tonight, and I broke down and got my hair done (AAAHHH!!), and I get to go with my best friend Coty in my group, and yeah. Life's cool. :)

Although, I actually feel different. Like all of a sudden all of that responsibility I've heard about has come crushing down on me, and I'm clueless as to how to handle it all. It's like walking on glass; one step too hard and *sceee-runch*. Bye bye.

...we shall see...

Not to mention saying I'm an 18-year-old blogger just doesn't sound as impressive as being a 17-year-old blogger. It's like anything witty or creative that I do is no longer as cool because adults are just expected to be witty and creative. It's only in kids that it's exceptional. Haha.

17 again...

Last day as a minor. I'm kind of wishing I'd done more as a "teenager". All of my friends (or most of them) have done so many fun things and been such typical 14-17 year olds. I've been a "mini adult" most of the time, as my brother tells me. Ah, well. It's just a new stage to try new things. Someday I'll be an old lady laughing at how badly I wanted to grow up, then deciding I didn't want to anymore. Someday I may realize that in some ways you never really do grow up-you can always stay connected to that beginning until it's time for it all to end.

"Grease" auditions today went all right. It turned out better than I thought it would, and I'm really glad. I also took myself out to lunch at Wendy's because 1) I wanted to and 2) I was hungry and didn't have a 3rd period, lunch would be spent rehearsing, and 4th studying. It was fun. :)

Tomorrow is Preference. I'm so excited!! Everything has been working out really well. Hopefully it will go smoothly, and everyone will have a fun time.

tod(o)ay...

1. Talk to my date (eek!)-check
Oh, Tyler. You're amazing.

2. Order boutonniere/talk to salesperson-check
White rose, green filler, pale yellow and pink ribbon done in double loops

3. Call UVU to drop class/talk on the phone-check
Don't want the class, don't need the class. Yet.

4. Call Mimi's Cafe to double check reservations/talk on the phone-check
On hold for ten minutes with some cool music that I realized kept repeating and repeating and then I started laughing about it. Was still laughing when person came back on the phone. Haha. Oops.

5. Complete 6.5 homework during "House" episode in Health Science-check
I've seen enough of that tapeworm episode to last me a lifetime. Blood, guts, and parasites...barf. I'd rather figure out 5!/3! (not factorials-5 BANG divided by 3 BANG is what my class calls it).

6. Be fought over in ballroom when boys are told to choose partners-check
Hill. Air. Ee. Us. This one deserves a full explanation: Kai (my first date ever [first date anniversary is on Tuesday], whom I asked to Preference sophomore year. they changed the date of the dance to 3 days before my birthday instead of 3 after, so I had to call him and tell him I couldn't go. Instead of being upset, he said that he was proud to have a date who upheld her standards and obeyed church guidelines no matter what [no dating before the age of 16-it's a Mormon thing]. SO...he took me out for my birthday. we went to see "Dan in Real Life" and then got ice cream at Coldstone. good times. :) ) wanted to ask me to dance in class today. So did Alex (Tony's younger brother). Kai got there first. Alex got "mad". Kai danced with me. Alex stole me the next time. Kai vowed to dance with me again. Alex told Kai he'd have to get through him first. I stood there laughing while another boy came and asked me to dance. Epic. Never thought it would happen to me though. That's for pretty, popular, skinny girls. Weird. Lol.

7. Sing "The Star Spangled Banner" at a wrestling match-check
Mitch, one of my choir friends, asked me to sing at the Varsity match because last time the person "made my head hurt". No pressure, I guess. I think it was all right. Still have problems with coming down from the higher note to hit the word "gave" properly, but apparently only I even notice.

8. Start to clean room and then...fail-check
Yeah.

9. Hear about Zach's role of Schroeder in "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown" and call him-check
I adore this boy. He's the coolest of the cool, and I'm so excited for him!! BFF or I'm suing. ;)

10. Try to be friends with friends again-check
It's working okay.

11. Random animal of the day: JORILLA!!
It's a game that my friends Alexis, Sarah, me, and sometimes Jasmine play together. We post a random animal each day on one another's Facebook profiles. Today I thought of two at the exact same time: jaguar and gorilla. It just came out Jorilla. I do not want to see what that would look like. Spaztastic much? I think so. :P

12. Do laundry-not so much of a check, but we'll count it
Kind of sort of enough to say I did some, yes?

13. Nap-check
:)

14. Kissing dream-check
FOURTH ONE IN A ROW. It's driving me insane. And I can never see who it is (actually that's a lie, I saw the last guy and right when he kissed me my alarm clock went off. I was so mad-I wanted to hit him-lol), but I always smack whoever it is then wake up. Grr...bugging me.

15. Space heater-check
My room is no longer a walk in freezer. It's the coldest room in the house this year (weird), so we moved the space heater from the living room into my room and took the spare one from upstairs into the living room. Now most of the house is warm again, and I actually woke up too hot instead of half frozen. Sweet.

16. Exercise-check
Too much. 1 hour + 20 minutes "Grease" in 1st period. 1 hour + 20 minutes in ballroom. 1 hour + 2o minutes calisthenics/yoga/Pilates/aerobics/Tai Chi in Health Science to show us what sort of things we can do to get our points for the physical fitness assignment. 3o minutes of "West Side Story". Total = 4 hours + 30 minutes. I'm really, really tired.

That was today's to do (hence the tod(o)ay). Planned or unplanned, it got done. :)

first time for everything...

This is the first time all year that I have put off doing my math homework. I cannot emphasize how badly I do not want to do at. I've looked at it, even written my name on the paper. I just really, really, really, really, really, really don't want to do it. It would take up a whole page of really, really, reallys to even get close to the point. However I won't waste your time.

Another new thing: first time I've really dressed up for school this year. A lot of people asked me why I looked so nice (blue dress, pea coat, white tights, black heels, etc.). My reply? "My jeans were still in the dryer." or "I didn't have any jeans to wear today." People laughed or just nodded like, "Oh, good reason." I found it funny.

The rehearsal for "Grease" went all right today, but there seems to be a bit of a power struggle between myself, one of the boys (another student who does stuff with classes, but more music), and a new girl who will be playing the role of Sandy in the concert as a pre-show character. Jasmine (the girl who's been helping me out with all of this by scheduling and helping when I'm about to cry from frustration) and I thought it would be cool to put her in the number as a singer, because we need more sopranos who aren't dancing.

Well, the student conductor kept counting the music SO slowly it was almost painful to try and dance to. When I'd try to speed up the counts he'd get bugged and sing louder. The Sandy girl kept talking to people and being a distraction. It was really hard. Despite all of that we got a lot finished and did some polishing. It's not as far as I'd like to be, but it's far enough that we don't have to practice through F.E.A.S.T. tomorrow (Friends Eating And Sharing Testimony-it's a Seminary thing-which is a class period during the day over at a building kind of like a church. Basically it's a religion class. Love it. :) ). I'm worried about the auditions Friday, but I'm hoping and praying that all of this work pays off.

Being a real leader is a new thing for me. I've never done this sort of thing before, outside of doing stuff with my sisters and neighborhood kids when we were little. Still I was never "in charge". Parents were always there behind the scenes to settle disputes and such, and to keep us in control if it got loud. Now it's my job. I don't know if I like it all that much.

One thing I'm really looking forward to: costumes for the concert!! Since I'm playing Anita in the pre-show and in the dance section of "Amereeca", I need to have a super flashy costume. I talked to the costume mistress for the concert, and I'm so excited! She loved the ideas I had, and said if I need any help to let her know. It's going to be amazing. :D

I'm surprised how many things have been working out lately. Even the math (though I put it off, I still understand it) is making sense. Sure, there's been tons of opposition, whether high school dramatics, noisy students, chemical ups and downs, and brick walls of frustration and feeling completely clueless. Things just seem to unravel themselves though, and I rarely am the one who unties the knots. I feel like I tug and jerk and cry and curse (not really), but it's not me who fixes the problems. Sometimes it's almost like I just keep trying and doing my best, and somehow someone realizes I need help and comes to the rescue.

Okay. Time for systems of equations and graphing. Joy. Have a good evening/morning/whatever!!

looking up...

So today started out really lousy, at 3:00 in the morning. See, our furnace at my house is ridiculous. Actually it's the fact that there's not a lot of ventilation in the basement. We used to leave a window open but then my sisters moved downstairs so they kept freezing. Anyway, the point is that at 3:00 in the morning I was awoken by a horrible smell of natural gas. It totally freaked me out; I thought that the house was going to blow up. I opened a bunch of windows in the family room and my room, and could not fall asleep again. Not to mention my pillow was way too hard.

Despite being up so early I was still late for the early morning rehearsal for choir today. Oops. So that was discouraging. Then I was terrified of what certain people might be thinking/saying about me. Then I was stressed out about "Grease" because of changes and how I'm just not good at choreography and I'm a lousy teacher and blah, blah, blah. A good thing though: doing a warm up by myself for Ariosa, Mrs. Mathews stopped and asked me where I'd been hiding the vocal connection all year. I told her that I wasn't afraid of the kids in the class anymore, and therefore I wasn't too scared of screwing up because we all have at one point or another. It's a group effort to learn how to sing-you hear others and learn from their triumphs and failures. Not to mention I've made amazing friends in Deb, JD, Jasmine, Brad, Erika, and all of the other kids. They're really great people. It was a crazy, totally unproductive class period. Everyone finds the new "confident" me very entertaining. I kept saying ridiculously smart aleck-y and sarcastic things and setting the class into hysterics. Mrs. Mathews even enjoyed it.

Ballroom was where it got not so good. First day, and I'm worried. The girl from my previous Preference group is in my class, so that was absolutely frightening. Then Jason is in it, and he is acting weird again. Oh, well. I also feel really nervous about this class because I'm one of the what, 3 out of 19 people who have never done ballroom before? Pretty much, yeah. Then the girl in my class came up to me and apologized. I couldn't even look at her, I was trying so hard to not just start crying. I feel like a total jerk, but I don't feel ready to accept an apology. I mean, I said it was fine and that I wasn't upset or anything. She told me she was really sorry and realized that she had been wrong, but I just don't know what to do. I feel afraid to trust her. I feel afraid to not forgive her, but I'm afraid to at the same time. Basically I just don't know what to do at all and I'm repeating myself so let's move on.

Algebra 2 has dropped in numbers, with most of my class moving to A1. Now there are 19 of us in the class. It was boring and frustrating again. Moving on. Lol.

"Grease" is coming along, but it's really, really hard for me to do this. I feel like the kids aren't listening, even when Mrs. Mathews talks to them and when I remind them that we audition Friday after school. We waste so much time talking and goofing off; I really want to get to polishing before we audition but I don't think we're going to. It's really exhausting. Jordan, my partner (and Homecoming date from Junior year; he's a good friend) has been really helpful with the couple choreography. I was doing all right on my own figuring out the girl and the boy steps, but spins and dips are hard to work out on your own. Plus, I've never done ballroom. He's a huge help.

Funny story from Mr. Jackman's class: we were talking about the number one health problem in the United States, aka "Fat people" as the class agreed (or obesity, if you prefer the term). We did all of these little fitness tests, like holding your breath for a certain amount of time (I got halfway-I started laughing and ran out of air at 1 minute 5 seconds), stretching a certain distance over a yard stick, etc. After everyone had left, Karmel was saying how some of the tests really are hard but even she can do them. Jackman said, and I quote so don't shoot me, "I can't do any of them because, well, I'm just too damn fat." I seriously laughed so hard. I love Jackman! He's amazing!!

Preference is working out at last though. Tiana and Rachael decided that they wanted to go in my group with me and Coty. We're going to take pictures with Rachael's dad's camera (her brother is taking them, I think) so that saves about $30. Sweet! We're taking them...actually it's a surprise. :) We're going to go to Mimi's Cafe for dinner, then head to the dance in Saratoga Springs. It's a 35 minute drive to the golf course country club thing out there, so we're starting the evening early (5:00ish). I'm so excited!! I can't believe how well this is working out; it's so amazing. AND...my parents are chaperoning!! Most kids would find that weird, especially since it's the day I turn 18 (gah that's disgusting) and they're my parents and yeah...but I think it's cool. I'm even going to ask them if we could take a group picture of the three of us there at the dance, kind of like "Look! I started out tiny and now here I am, 18 with my parents at a dance and it's amazing!!" I'm actually still kind of tiny in the height direction, but still...lol.

Things have just changed so fast. I went from horribly depressed and just upset about so many things to totally relieved and excited and happy. Now if my friend would call back like he said he would, the day would be even more amazing. Lol, just kidding. He's probably busy. Besides, I'm just happy. :)

Look up, folks!! It helps a ton!! <3

split ends...

I hope it ends nothing. But, under the circumstances, it could.

Remember that one person who doesn't like anything at all, and is never satisfied? Well, I've finally had it with her and will not be going with her or the rest of her group to Preference. I didn't throw a fit (though I wanted to SO badly, but that would be stupid and I didn't want to say/do anything mean to hurt someone's feelings). I didn't say much at all. I just turned in my "I quit".

Our plans for our random and amazing dinner fell through when I went over to Pirate Island (yes, that's what we had planned) to make a room reservation. The Mermaid Room would have been perfect for all of us...but to use it we would have to pay $150. ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS?! Um...no. I went home and told the other two girls who have done a little bit of the planning with me. Then I took 2 hours to research restaurants we'd talked about, looking online and taking notes of menu items, prices, seating, and whether or not they make reservations. I even called places and talked to them ON THE PHONE, which for me is a huge step out of my comfort zone. Seriously, it terrifies me. Anyway, it really did take about 2 hours. I made a nice little summarizing report for all of the girls, with 4 restaurants that would potentially work because they were what people had suggested before. I asked the girls to pick their top 2 choices and email me back for a primary vote.

Well, that one person emails back saying something like this: "I think we should meet at lunch because people might have other ideas. Besides, I'm getting really sick of having to check Facebook for plans."

Um...HELLO!? The reason why we chose to communicate through Facebook is because I can't meet with them at lunch due to Ariosa rehearsals for "Grease". Since I've been doing the majority (if not all) of the the work and research, that's why we planned that. I know it's not a big deal, but I spent 2 hours working on this. I've done so much for this one person to try and make her happy, and nothing does. Quite frankly, I've had it. I'm sick of having every single thing I do thrown back in my face. Again, it's not like this is a huge thing. I guess it's because it's one thing after another. Nothing makes her happy. How hard is it to just vote? All of the information is right there. I even picked two of the places she suggested (granted they were the most expensive and had the least space, but at least I tried to make her feel like her opinions were respected and not just thrown out).

Ugh. I guess I'm just really hurt and frustrated and angry and tired. So! My friend Coty and I are going together alone (so far, I don't know what the others are going to do). I called her (pretty much in tears) and explained everything. She knows the whole background story, and she told me that she'd been wondering why I hadn't split off since the problems first started.

I suppose I'm learning that sometimes you just have to say it like it is, regardless of what another person thinks of you. I've done so much, and I've got nothing back except complaints and arguments and spiteful remarks.

I'm really dreading going to school tomorrow. And I really feel like a loser. I screw everything up. There's no winning here. How is it possible that ALL of the high school drama has been packed into my Senior year? I've never had any problems before. This is ridiculous.

Am I a bad person for feeling like this? Should I just suck it up and go along with it? I really do feel terrible, and mean and just hateful. I hate me.

i prefer...

So Preference is next week (on my birfday...squee!!), and I'm finding that when it comes time to plan things like this, personalities clash. Here are some things that are driving me insane:

1. Certain people do not like food. Chinese, Italian, Mexican, anything exotic or different than there mom makes is gross. Even pizza!! I wonder how they survive at all.
2. Certain people do not make plans to be off of work.
3. Certain people will not drive.
4. Certain people don't want to eat out.
5. Certain people will only eat out.
6. Certain people want to be late to the dance.
7. Certain people won't help pay for reservations.
8. Certain people do all of the work for everything, while others sit by and watch and complain about every move.
9. Certain people insist on having an activity scheduled for the day they can do it, even though they are the only person out of 7 who can do it that day, whereas the other 6 can all do it on the day the other person can't.
10. Certain people kick and scream about everything, no matter what.

Don't get me wrong, I'm super excited for this dance. My friend Tyler is going with me, and he's a really great guy and a good friend. My dress is pretty and it's all fixed so I won't trip (it's also slightly big...I thought I gained weight but apparently I was wrong), plus I have way fun shoes to go with it. My best friend Coty and I get to drive together, and it's so cool because we never see each other (even though we go to the same school...that happens a lot at MV. I guess it's just really big and spread out). The activity we have planned is going to be way fun, and dinner is so random and awesome that I'm not sharing until after. Basically this is going to be way fun.

The bad thing is this: one person will not compromise or cooperate with anything. It is so aggravating to have a six person majority be able to do something when a single person minority wants everything to be their way. If we have an activity on Saturday, 5 out of 7 can't do it. If we do it Friday night, 6 out of 7 can do it and that one person can't. We've tried splitting up the group, but it's so much easier to just do it on Friday (due to time conflicts on Saturdays where it'd be a total rush for everything for those who can't go). I'm just getting really tired of the headache.

It kind of hurts in another way as well. This particular friend has been invited by me to be in every single date group I've ever planned because, well, no one else wants her around. We all love her, but I guess the others don't want to put up with her. I just don't want to see her left out and would rather deal with her drama. This time, though, I'm feeling extremely torn. Every single move we make has been checked and rechecked over and over to make sure she'll be happy. My friend proofreads all of my emails to make sure this girl won't find something to twist into an insult or to throw back at me. Plans are put on the table then scrapped again and again to be revised so she feels like we're not leaving her out. Some plans, however, can't be changed and she just gets super mad. I've been really nice to her for three years with being in groups and making sure she has people to go with, but I always get it back in my face. It's like she doesn't even notice.

Ugh. Girls are stupid (I can say that, I'm one of them so I know). I hope it all works out. I'm just very nervous to make any plans final, because this person might throw a fit. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I've got 5 other girls involved as well. I have to be fair to everyone. I'm also afraid that I might get hurt in the process. It's happened before with this friend-kind of an experience I'd prefer to not repeat.

Getting stuck in leadership positions sucks. I've run out of ideas, so now I ask you. What do I do?

20 ?s...+ 30...

1. What time did you get up this morning?
The first time was 5:55 am. Then it was 7:00 am.

2. How do you like your steak?
Well done.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
"Up".

4. What is your favorite TV show?
"M*A*S*H"

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
I'm kind of fine right here.

6. What did you have for breakfast?
Air. And the carbon monoxide for my car. Ugh.

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Cuisine is a fancy word. Does it mean food? I like macaroni and cheese. And fettucini alfredo. So Italian?

8. What foods do you dislike?
The proper question is "what food do you like?" I have too many dislikes to answer.

9. Favorite Place to Eat?
Panda Express, California Pizza Kitchen, Jason's Deli, Wendy's, w/evs.

10. Favorite dressing?
Ranch

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
An Oldsmobile Alero.

12. What are your favorite clothes?
I like black tights, red dresses, black/silver high heels. Also jeans, sneakers, hoodies.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Somewhere with a beach. I miss the ocean.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
Half empty, 'cause there's always room for more.

15. Where do you want to retire?
I doubt I ever will...so I guess a lot in a cemetery somewhere.

16. Favorite time of day?
Bedtime.

17. Where were you born?
Payson. :D

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Synchronized diving, figure skating (single and couple), golf, and Quidditch.

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
I dunno, am I tagging anyone?

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
I don't know if I'm tagging anyone. No one reads it anyways when I do.

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
Why do they always ask this question?

22. Bird watcher?
Huh? Are you asking me if I'm a bird watcher or who is my favorite bird watcher? Or are you asking for a definition of a bird watcher? It's someone who watches birds, and I'm not one of them. I'm a whistler, not a watcher.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
I am neither anymore. I'm a nooner.

24. Do you have any pets?
Yes, I wuv my puppy. Plus my two sisters, who are okay.

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
It's Friday. That's new, 'cause it's the first one of the year.

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
I wanted to be a grown-up.

27. What is your best childhood memory?
I'm just sitting here in silence trying to remember my childhood. Apparently it didn't interest me much; I was just trying to become a grown-up.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
I'm a dog person.

29. Are you married?
Not yet.

30. Always wear your seat belt?
Duh.

31. Been in a car accident?
I don't know if it counts or not. The door just got dented, so...I dunno.

32. Any pet peeves?
Stupid people, arrogant people, stupid arrogant people are the worst, lazy people, fast drivers, slow drivers, incompetent drivers, people who sing flat, people who sing sharp, smelly candles...ick, smells that make people like smelly candles, frost on my car in the morning when I'm in a hurry, when people draw in the frost on my car when I'm in a hurry or when I'm not in a hurry...no chocolate chips in my chocolate chip cookies...AND people who tell me what to say on pet peeve questions. And when I keep getting reminded of all of the other pet peeves I happen to have. Geez, thanks mom and Meghan. But my biggest one: Lady GaGa. Freakin' hate her.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
It's gotta have sauce and cheese. After that, no dead fish. Or jalepenos. Or peppers. Or onions. Just suace and cheese is good. (see pet peeves above)

34. Favorite Flower?
Roses.

35. Favorite ice cream ?
Mississippi Mud Pie

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Burger King croissanwich and McDonald's McGriddle. Mmmmm....

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
I never failed it.

38. From whom did you get your last email?
Facebook

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
I would not choose to max out my credit card, because that would be stupid.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
I woke up. That was really spontaneous.

41. Like your job?
I don't have one anymore.

42. Broccoli?
Yuck.

43. What was your favorite vacation?
California going to Sea World and that one museum that I can't spell. Scripp's Ranch or something. It was amazing, I pet a sea hare and everything.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
My mom and my sisters.

45. What are you listening to right now?
My thinking out loud while I type.

46. What is your favorite color?
Uh...well it was blue. Then it was red. Then it was orange. I don't know it is now. But it's not orange anymore. Let's say pink even that might be a lie, because I'm not sure.

47. How many tattoos do you have?
None.

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
Uhmmmmm....Yeah.

49. What time did you finish this quiz?
4:37 pm.

50. Coffee Drinker?
Only once. It was an accident. I thought it was hot chocolate, and I was too short to read the sign that said otherwise. I mean, it was brown and hot and in a pot, so my 8 year old mind automatically said "ooh, hot chocolate in California in the summer! yay!!" And so I drank it. It was bad. Don't try it at home (though I didn't, I was in a hotel).

shut the duck up!!

(image from www.prankplace.com)

When I say duck, I mean the twins and the fox boy (I just think he looks like a cute little fox). One of them sometimes has a little duck tail hair style (go figure, we're doing "Grease"), hence the duck. And I'm just bugged. Those boys are going to drive me insane, no joke. They even have a name for themselves: "The Uglies and the Goates" as they call it. The other kids in the dance are loud and unruly as well, but those three are the main problem. I hate to be the bad guy, because I'm younger than half of them and I want to be their friends, but I'm up to here *mimes pointing at neck* with this and it's only been one day.

And so, if they don't behave tomorrow at lunch there will be an 8:00 am rehearsal on Saturday. They're not happy, but neither am I. So there.

I kind of hate this game.

"they're doin' choreography"...

Or more specifically, I'm doing choreography. Mrs. Mathews really was serious when she told me that I'm doing the choreography for Ariosa. I spent all afternoon yesterday (after "West Side Story", which was so much fun and consisted of the girls not on the ballroom team putting hoodies around their waists like aprons to have a "skirt" [myself included-lol]. Jeremiah, our teacher, did it too. Epic hilarity) working on the two numbers (from "Grease"). "We Go Together" is much farther along than "Summer Lovin'" because it's easier, in my opinion. The beat is faster, it's easier to be explosive yet controlled, and I just got lots of ideas all at once for it. Now to teach it...

I'm going to bed now.

"A wop baba loo mop, a wop bam boom" folks!! :)

first day at school of the year...

This morning started out pleasant. I woke up happy again (???) and decided I was going to try and stay happy. Ariosa was grand, though I've been given the task of choreographing the number we're doing for the February concert (two selections from "Grease") and I found out that the song I auditioned with is scheduled for a mini concert at lunch in the commons sometime in late February. *sigh* That's so scary, because you can actually see the audience and how they have no interest whatsoever. I don't think that would be so bad if you were in a group performing, but soloing...we'll see.

Health Science was a review, in which I thoroughly embarrassed myself by saying "True" when the question was asked "If a male consumes enough alcohol to be classified as abuse, is there a potential for risk of breast cancer?" Um...duh, no. I need to get more sleep...not to mention cool off my lobster face. Ugh.

I'm actually starting to realize that I'm not as bad at math as I think I am. I mean, getting over 100% on the past three tests is pretty much unheard of in the math department for Algebra 2, but apparently it can be done. It's kind of fun (horrors...I should be shot for saying it) and I don't really mind it much. Granted there are the sticky spots, but they loosen their hold after awhile and become easy. Though my teacher is the only one I've ever had who has discouraged my idea to get a Master's Degree and a PhD (Ph. D.? phD? PH.D? I should probably learn how to spell it...:P).

Went to the gym...which I forgot how much I hate in January. Usually there is no one there during the day, except for a few safety department cops and fire fighters, a few moms, and me. Now it appears that my quiet sanctuary has been flooded with New Year Resolutioners determined to fulfill the 2nd most common resolution in the country (ask Mix 107.9-they said so on the radio last week): EXERCISE. Seriously, there were almost 20 people down on the track. 20!! Seriously-unheard of. Hopefully the drive will die off in a few weeks, or they'll take up a new sport. Like...Wii Fit or something. Lol. Just kidding.

Hair trimmed today! Just to clean up the ends, so about an inch and a half. I was told I over tipped my stylist (no, I did not knock her over), but oh well. She was nice, talked to me, and put up with my endless chattering. Not to mention my hair isn't crooked, so I think she deserved it. I always over tip. I feel bad that people are running to get my drinks or wash my hair or park my car when they could be doing something that they actually enjoy. Of course if I decided to serve myself at a restaurant it might be disastrous-I'd just bother them all by asking where they keep the spoons.

Mom took my sisters and me shopping, where we randomly found penguin pajama pants for me for $1.50. They were marked down because they'd fallen on the floor and gotten dirt on them. Um...less then $5 for a pair of flannel pajama pants because they have a little dirt on them? I've got a washing machine; they're mine!! Haha. :)

And now I'm bugged by things in life (mostly my own stupidity and random mood swings) so I'm going to go to bed. EMR in 8 hours, plus "West Side Story" rehearsal after school, a meeting with the counselor at the college to discuss my future (woot), and anything else that happens to pop up.

Good night/day!

iiiiiiiiiii love technologeeeeeeee...along with the promised "birds"...

Between my laptop and my digital camera, I'm all set for technological woes. My comma key is absolutely ridiculous, only working when I pound on it until a miniscule speck pops onto the screen. It seems too much work for one small dot of punctuation. The battery doesn't work at all, so if I move ever so slightly it jiggles the cord and the whole thing shuts off. Not helpful. The backspace key is also having some problems, as is the delete key. Then the camera...no matter what I do the pictures seem to be fuzzy (granted there are some light issues at my friend's house...no pictures turn out in her basement no matter how good your camera is), and it won't connect to my computer unless I make sure the cord is not plugged in when I'm turning the laptop on and I don't turn on the camera until all of the programs are running.

We live in a wonderful world of gadgetry and gizmos that specifically designed for making our lives easier. I'm grateful for that.

..now if they'd just work properly...

Thank you for allowing me to vent. I feel much better now.

And now to business.

I promised photos of some interesting birds that stumbled into Carisa's basement room. Would you like to see them? I think you do...they're quite entertaining. And rather mind boggling, even. Shall we?

This weird creature, with two fellows, wandered into the family room while we were sitting around watching...oh, I think it was "Barbie's The Princess and the Pauper". This one happens to be my youngest sister. How she and the other girls got into a hoodie like this I will never venture to find out.

Mandy, Anna Jane, and Emma-three of the silliest girls in all of America.

Now for something that I did. Carisa decided it would be fun to straighten my hair. I didn't have much of a choice in the matter, after being told to "sit down and don't move." Fine with me-I like it when people play with my hair. Especially when they know what they're doing.

Well friends, 27 and 1/2 inches looks a lot longer when it's not curly anymore. Take a look:

I'm on the left. Anna Jane is on the right.

(this was before the birds)

Basically it was another wonderfully grand adventure. I can't wait for the next one! More about Christmas break coming up soon!

3am...

It is almost 3 in the morning.

My corner of the world
could be just like yours,
or the opposite.

Mine is 3 things: Black. Quiet. Cold.

The red numbers
on the clock
blink from 1 to 2 to 3,
fading in and out
as the time creeps
slowly towards
day.

In a few hours,
my corner of the world
could again be
just like yours,
or the opposite.

Mine will be 3 things: White. Quiet. Cold.

It is almost 3 in the morning.
Time fading,
from 1 to 2 to 3 minutes
past the hour.
I watch the time moving forward.
Foward toward the day.

In my corner of the world,
I will see 3 in the morning.

new year meme...

1. Because it’s the near year, what’s something that’s better after the newness has worn off?
Relationships with friends.

2. What dish do you always go back to get seconds (even when you know you shouldn’t)?
Too many! But right now...probably funeral potatoes.

3. In 2009, who made you laugh the most?
My dear best friend Zach.

4. What is one healthy food you really, really like?
Pomegranates!

5. On what date do you think 2010 will no longer feel like the ‘new’ year?
On the day I stop writing "2009" on my papers/check register and begin writing "2010" without having to pause and think about it.

from Chronicles of a Country Girl

job search...

So...

It's January 2nd of 2010 (whoa, weirdness) and I have officially begun the job search. Yeah, I quit my job at the Scout Shop because a) I needed better hours and b) I wasn't really liking the inner workings of the whole corporate environment going on there. But mostly for better hours. I mean, telling me that I can have Christmas break off in April when I applied and then corporate saying in November "No WAY!" ... Not happening, especially since my family had plans since like...last January.

So far I've tried to apply at two places online (aka Build-a-Bear and Petsmart) only to find out that you have to be 18. Not a problem-that's in less than three weeks anyways (wtheck?). The problem was that they didn't tell me that until after I'd filled out the entire application. Bothersome. The other two places I've applied at are California Pizza Kitchen and Macey's Grocery Store. The other two I'll apply for in two weeks after my birfday, and we'll see what else I can find.

Tomorrow is Sunday, and church isn't until 1:00 (first time in about two years...our wards are not very good at the whole schedule rotation thing). I think I will write about the last "Night at Carisa's" that we had this week (including photos of plucked chickens, opinions about Barbie movies, and a loverly dress for Preference), the New Year's Eve Stake Dance (aka church dance [which kind of wasn't fun for me...but more later]), and other random adventures that have not been explained before. *smirk* Lots to share, peoples. :)