empty...

I visited my Aunt Ruth's children and husband tonight. It's the first time I've been inside their house since before she died. When I walked into the living room, it was a complete shock to see that Ruth's bed was no longer there, the rug was replaced, and the couches had been moved back in. She's been gone over a year now, but it was like it happened all over again. I expected to see her there, wasted as she was, but still smiling and happy to see me.

I never cried after Ruth died. I still haven't. It's almost like I can't cry about anything, except when I'm very, very angry or being yelled at by my mom.

I dreamed about Vearis and Ruth last night. They were sitting upright in rocking chairs, drinking from china cups and laughing together. When I entered the room, it was bright and sunny with pink wallpaper. They asked me to join them, and I took a few steps towards them. Then it all changed. Their hair fell out, their eyes turned white, and their skin turned gray and tight. The room became dark and cold, and I tried to run but couldn't. The rocking chairs were coffins, and they swooped down towards me with hands like claws.

I can't sleep. I'm afraid to sleep.