so this is love...

"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end." -quoted in A Walk to Remember


The first time I heard this, my automatic response was, "Love must not be human."

Call me a cynic and you'd be right.

winter sunshine...

brown eyes wide,

white gold strands of hair standing every which way.

perched on the couch with arms folded,

the picture of politeness.

quaking from head to foot with

anticipation,

gazing at the packages under the tree.

a gasp and a dash! to the package she runs!

given permission to tear something into bits!

careful first, then faster as the treasure within

is glimpsed,

a furious paper snowstorm.

tiny intake of breath.

silent gaze on the treasure in her arms, then

laughter and smiles

that fill the heart with joy.

she is my winter sunshine.

i am a selfish child...

"you know that girl? she's incredible."

that's what everyone says to me.

she is. incredible. yes.

that's her.

incredible.

her?

she's loved. she's adored. she's special.

the favorite.

the other one?

no one talks about the other one.

the best friend.

the one who sticks through all the heartache, pain, and betrayal.

the other one?

she's me.

her?

she's used. she's forgotten. she's nothing.

the one who is always there,

but who is never noticed.

lies...

hide behind appearance;

trade

silence of spoken word for

sticks and stones.

falling leaf;

fading light.

surrounding silence screams.

midterms...

Sometimes I think college is going to kill me. I've been told I'm a good student, but honestly, I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing.

The other problem is when life gets in the way of school. Personal issues conflict with school issues conflict with job issues conflict with personal issues conflict with everything else issues...oi vay. This life sure is an adventure.

I didn't fail my tests though. History, as of yet, is a terrible score. At least to me. Yes, there is a curve, but it is against my nature to not stress about things I have no knowledge of. Math was surprising to me: 97/100. What? Me? Shocking, really. No. Really. Shocking. And English? 100%. Say what?

Why am I so down even when things are going well? Ugh.

i have good friends...

So a couple of days (or more like a few days) ago I had some visitors. These visitors come by on a rather weekly basis, and it's usually on days when I need it the most.

I've mentioned these friends before. They are Jason, Jordan, and Kyle. When I first told you about them, we were still becoming friends. Now, they are my best friends and my brothers (though that depends on the day because Jason and Jordan are both really, really, really cute).

Anyway. As you probably know, my sister had pneumonia and ended up in the hospital. I had something like it, and my youngest sister ended up with walking pneumonia. So we were all sick. Jordan and Kyle stopped by with two friends, Tim and Joe (I'm getting to know Tim better and he's really nice). They brought us all Frosties from Wendy's. That was so sweet of them. It really helped me out, because I was all ready having a really rough day.

Then this newer incident: BAD day. It was a "I am done with everything and I give up" day. Jason called me, and I'm a terrible actress I guess because he knew right away that I was really upset. So he and his brothers went to Walgreen's at 10:00 in the evening and bought candy bars and fuzzy socks in various color combinations, then brought them to my house. There were candy bars and socks for all of the girls in the family, including my mom.



They picked my two favorite candy bars AND my favorite color for the socks (purple). I didn' t know that they even knew that stuff.

In short, I have good friends and I love them so much. I'm so grateful for them-God has been so kind to me in sending me people who look after me. They really do help me out so much.

stressed...

Wow. I kind of feel like dying right now. Honestly-I'm doing a pretty good job of it unintentionally all ready.

I'm not understanding a lot of my homework assignments, and when I ask teachers for clarification I just get more confused. The computer program at work is all messed up, so it makes my job take twice as long to complete. Not to mention people don't do their jobs on time so that means more work for me to go in and fix things.

The biggest stress is my constant feeling of "I don't care anymore." There's a pattern that I've noticed: August comes around and I'm super happy. September hits and I start to slide into lack of energy. October rolls around, and by the end of it I don't care about anything and I seriously consider giving up. November is just more of the same.

So stress...yeah. It's great. Stupid kid I am. I'll grow up one of these days. I hope.

what i learned...

char, over at ramblins, invited some of her readers to write a life lesson and share it with our own readers. I decided to accept the invitation. As I've thought about this lesson the past week, I've worried that people would find it trivial or insignificant. But I also realized that different things are hard for different people. Something that you have gone through might seem easier than my own trials. Something that I have gone through might seem easier to you. And I remembered something I said once. Quoting myself, "The smallest, tiniest, most insignificant things can break your heart because they weren't small, tiny, or insignificant to you."

We all suffer heartbreaks. They are different for us all. And that, friends, is how I will begin my lesson, of what I have learned:

I am what you would call a rather paranoid person. I constantly worry that I hurt others and drive them away from me. I'm afraid that I'll be abandoned. I'm afraid to abandon others, even when I know that their actions are unfair or harmful to me. This past year I have lost several friends, friends who I trusted and loved as much as my own family. One experience in particular comes to mind. During my junior year in high school, I befriended a young man who I had several classes with. Johnny* was a year older than me, but that didn't really seem to matter. We talked to one another frequently about the things we were struggling with, and he often told me that I helped him get through hard things.

Johnny helped me in many ways as well. When I faced similar trials, especially the feeling of worthlessness that rears up in my heart and mind, he talked to me and gave me advice. He never made me feel like I was stupid or mediocre. Yes, his honesty would on occasion be brutal, but I knew that he was saying such things as a friend. It wasn't to bring me down.

This young man meant a lot to me. I sort of adopted him as my older brother; I loved him for his courage in continuing forward despite his struggles with his family, his friends, and feeling that he was of no worth. I loved him for his intelligence and honesty. I loved him very much.

Johnny was in a lot of pain, emotionally and mentally. I remember staying up all night long talking to him on several occasions, and I would find myself crying silently as I listened to him. I wanted to help Johnny; he had entered a very severe depression. "There is no light anymore," he said, "There hasn't been for a very long time. I expect that for me, life will never be bright again, and I will be lost to the darkness forever." This frightened me. Johnny had done stupid things before and had talked about doing stupid things, and I was worried that he would make the greatest mistake of all.

I worked with him. I did what I could, in listening and accepting him the way he was. One night, I told him that I would always be there for him if he needed me. The conversation died for a few moments, and he answered saying, "I don't see how girls can do that. They're just there for people, despite the fact that they get hurt. You're like that. You will get hurt for it. And you, of all people in the world, I couldn't bear to hurt." He then said something that made me think for a few minutes, "You can't always be there for people. When they fail…if you've invested too much energy and time in a person who will disappoint you-don't make that mistake."

I was confused by this. How could I possibly invest too much time in a person? Did Johnny think he would disappoint me? I told him he couldn't disappoint me. He hadn't given up. He kept trying. Besides, I trusted him. I had from early into our friendship. I told him, and he replied, "You give your trust too easily."

I decided to ignore this. Give my trust too easily? Ridiculous! Johnny was my dear friend. I knew so much about him. He knew so much about me. I kept trying to help him. I talked to him. I talked to his family. I did everything that I could possibly think of without making him upset with me.

Early in November of last year, Johnny was lower than I had ever seen him. He truly seemed to be near giving up. I could think of nothing more to do, so I asked him a question. I asked, "Have I ever told you that I love you?"

There was no answer for a few minutes. I sat at the computer, scared to death that I had overstepped and made a huge mistake. Then came the answer, an answer that I have never forgotten. "You have never needed to. I've known since the beginning that you love me. You are the most sincere person I have ever met; for that I thank you. I know that you love me. And I hope you know that I love you, too."

The next afternoon I got on the computer to talk to him, as I had every evening for almost two months. He was gone. All traces of Johnny had disappeared. I tried to call, but there was no answer. I talked to his brother, who I went to school with, and he told me that he didn't know what was going on.

He really was gone. He hadn't done anything stupid, but he had detached himself from our friendship. We were, in fact, no longer friends. I was devastated. Johnny, who I had loved so much, and held such high regard for, was gone from my life. There were no more talks. No more phone calls. No more plans to do things and becoming too busy so planning for another day.

This really destroyed me. For days, weeks, and months, I thought about what I had done wrong. Had I truly overstepped in telling Johnny out loud that I loved him? Had I been wrong in becoming so close to him? What had I done to make him leave like that? Over and over again in my mind I analyzed our conversations and tried to figure out what my mistake had been. I was so down about this, and any mention or reminder of Johnny would send me over the edge. We went to a dance together junior year; I hid the flowers, I put away the pictures, and I stored the dress somewhere in the basement. I wanted to erase him from my life.

I saw Johnny in the spring. It had been months since he disappeared. I was so shocked, but my first reaction was to run, to run after him and catch him. I burst out of the building and yelled his name. He stopped, and turned around. Johnny's smile started, then faded, and slowly he held out his hands to me. I almost ran into his arms. All of the pain and fear was gone in that moment. I wasn't angry at him. I didn't feel any pain. I was just so happy to see him. I couldn't even believe it.

The conversation was awkward, but I didn't want him to leave. I knew that it would be back to the way it had been before. We said a quiet good-bye, and I had the feeling that I would never see him again. As I walked into the building alone, I began to cry. For a few moments, the pain had been gone. It returned even stronger than before. I was so confused, and felt so abandoned. I knew he was gone again, and there would be no chance for the friendship I had so cherished to be fixed.

Johnny's younger brother, Eric**, has become a friend of mine. We had a ballroom class together the last semester of the school year. He looks so much like Johnny, and he sounds like him, too. I was worried that Eric would think I was using him as a replacement for my Johnny. I talked to him about it one night. He told me that he had never thought that, and to stop worrying about Johnny's decision. I, however, couldn't stop worrying about it. Just last week, I was thinking about Johnny and feeling the pain of his leaving again. I decided I would talk to Eric; he always has very good advice. I didn't tell him what I was really bothered by. I told Eric that I feel that I constantly hurt people, and that the things I do push them away from me. "I've lost so many people I love this year," I told him, "And I don't understand what it is that I'm doing wrong."

Eric gave me a situation to think about. "Imagine that both of my parents died in a car accident last weekend. I am extremely distraught, and I shut myself off from the world. You try to approach me to say hello, just as you normally would. I don't respond. In fact, I cut you off from me. You have no idea what has happened, and I don't feel like telling you. Does that make my actions your fault? Have you done anything to hurt me, other than being yourself and being my friend, just as you always do?"

That really made me reflect on what happened with Johnny. This past week, as I was thinking about what Eric said to me, I have realized that I didn't really do anything wrong. I was honest. I was myself. I did everything that I had always done, since the beginning of my friendship with Johnny. Perhaps, as Eric said, this isn't my fault. Perhaps Johnny is at a time in his life where he has cut himself off from the world. Perhaps I didn't hurt him; perhaps I did nothing wrong. Eric's words, and my own search for answers, have helped me to see that perhaps things just happen. People handle trials and struggles in different ways. I won't say that I am 100% ready to trust someone again. I won't say that I'm not hurt. I won't say that I'm not afraid that I will be hurt again. But now I am finding that to forgive the person who hurts you, and to forgive yourself, are the two ways to find peace.

I have learned that people hurt each other. I have been very hurt multiple times this year by people I love; the experience with Johnny is just one of them. However, it is not my job to harbor guilt, resentment, fear, and pain. I do not need to constantly analyze my actions in a situation. I do not need to take all the blame. I am not to judge another, but I am to forgive. And I am also to forgive myself.

Life is a hard thing. We meet people, we keep people, we lose people. Perhaps there are people who come into our lives for a short time to teach us, and then they leave when they are no longer needed. Perhaps there are people who come into our lives for forever, and the lessons we learn from the short term people will strengthen our ability to keep the forever people. I have learned to love despite the fear. I have learned how to love despite the pain. I have learned to forgive. I haven't completely learned everything; I'll never stop learning. But I have a foundation now. Now, it is time to move forward.

*Name has been changed

**Name has been changed

9 hours...

3 hours math

2 hours English

1 hour history

3 hours talk for church

+

____________________

9 hours on the computer today

Now you might understand why my daily average time on the computer is 11 hours per day. That includes work, school, and leisure time. Most of which is all done at the same time, making me a multi-tasker to the MAX.

Wow. My brain is so fried right now. Ouch, ouch, ouch.

this post is lame...

I would not blame you in the least for thinking that this post is lame. Because it is. I really have nothing to say, except that today was rough. It could have been worse. Really worse.

I almost hate college today.

There will be a better post tomorrow. Maybe. If I have time. If not...sorry for the lameness.

quotes from college...

As some of you may know, I started my first official semester of college this fall. Some days I can shout out "I LOVE college!!" Other days...last night, I threw a book onto the floor, stormed out of the room, and in a voice that shocked me yelled, "GAH I AM SO DONE!!!"

So yes. Some days I love college. Other days...I don't hate it but...yeah. Yeah, I hate it.

There are a lot of funny people in college. People say weird things and do weird things and I save the quotes as drafts on my phone. I look at them when I need to laugh or want to remember. Not everything is weird; some things are quite thought provoking. But some things...weird. Like this one: "Some people don't benefit from general ed because their brains aren't mature." -random professor in the hallway.

That one made me stop and inwardly go HUH???

Some from my math teacher: "I am not an advocate of self-restraint" after saying "One time I danced in the middle of the road in my grandpa pajamas because I was confused." Yeah...that was a long story. And this one: "Who likes math in here? Nobody? Surprise!!"

This one is funny to me: "College is concentrated weirdness." -a boy in my choir class

Then this: "When your wife yells at you and says 'You are SO stupid! Why are you so dumb?!' DON'T argue with her. Just agree and say, 'Yes, dear, I know I'm dumb. I'm sorry I'm stupid.' It will save you a lot of problems." That one from my religion teacher.

Speaking of marriage: "Archaeologists never get tired of their wives because the older the women get, the more interested the men become." He also said: "We teach history because we need a job." I'm just going to put it out here...my history teacher? He's a weird dude.

I've got lots more quotes from college I could share. The only problem is that my backpack is downstairs with all of my notebooks in it, and my phone quotes are all ready posted. Perhaps I can share others another day, if you're interested.

College...big sigh.

PS A quote from me: Yesterday I was studying in the Institute building (aka the religion building) and some of the people in my choir class came and sat by me. I had my phone out, and one of the guys said "Hey, I like your phone! What service do you have?"

Now imagine my young self curled up in a big blue armchair, textbook open on my lap, legs propped up on the table, definitely looking very young with her phone out. My curled up, comfy, tired self responds, "I have Cricket. Like the bug."

Well. At least everyone laughed.

hands...

I am a hand watcher. It's one of the first things I notice about a person. Whether or not they tell me anything about someone, I still notice them. Generally I pay the most attention to people's fingers. I make note of length, width, and ratio to palm. I look at the shape of the finger nails, how long they are, or if the finger nails are gone.

I watch women's hands; they posess a beauty that fascinates me but I don't really know why. Women have beautiful hands-the things they do with their hands make them even more so. The women I know have gentle, soft, busy hands. They care for themselves, for children, for friends, for strangers.

The men I know-I wouldn't say that their hands are beautiful. But I would say that their hands are strong. Strong, and still gentle.

The hands I have known and do know are gentle. They are strong. They are busy and soft. Men and women alike; my parents, my sisters, my brother. My friends' parents, my friends themselves. Neighbors, teachers, coworkers, even strangers. The simple things that they do-brushing my hair, opening a door for me, carrying groceries, driving me to school, paying for things, wiping away tears, pushing a button on the elevator-all things that people I know well and do not know well have done for me and for others.

Hands do so many things. They can destroy. They can build. They can strike. They can caress. They can wave...and they can flip you off. I have experienced all of those things because someone used their hands.

I wonder what my hands have done.

(...though I do know that I've never flipped anyone off...)

words of my own...

I am having the hardest time finding my own words to express what's going on. So many things run through my head during the days and nights, but when I actually sit down to write them, they all disappear. All I am left with is a feeling of emptiness, a numbness that I don't understand.

There are things in my life that are happy. Many things. I have amazing friends. I have a wonderful family. School is going surprisingly well. I have a job that pays well. I was given a full-ride scholarship. I received two grants, so was able to pay for all of my books, fees, and get a new laptop (currently using!!). My brother gave me a car. I'm in a great choir.

So why do I feel so empty? Why can I not understand how to be happy? I see it. I taste it. I hold it in my hands and gaze at it, captured by the sparkling brilliance of the treasure. But like any precious gem or pearl, it goes back in the case, locked and under guard. I can't keep it for my own. I hold it as a loan for a few minutes or hours, but it's not mine.

she's not perfect...

I can think of nothing to say. There has been so much in my mind and in my heart these past couple of days, but the feelings won't turn into words. Or they will. Simple, single words and phrases.

These are my words:

guilt.

fear.

pain.

want to belong.

want to trust.

want to be held.

want to be okay.

These are his words:

She loves her mama's lemonade,

hates the sound that good-byes make.

She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.

She swears that there's no difference

between the lies and compliments.

It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough.

The pictures that she sees make her cry.

And she would change everything. Everything-just ask her.

Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster.

And she just needs someone to take her home.

She's giving [people*] what they want;

tries to act so nonchalant,

afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.

She never stays the same for long,

assuming that she'll get it wrong.

Perfect only in her imperfections.

She's not a drama queen. She doesn't want to feel this way.

Only seventeen but tired.

She would change everything for happy ever after.

Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster.

But she just needs someone to take her home.

She's just the way she is, but no one's told her

that's okay.

And she would change everything. Everything-just ask her.

Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster.

She would change everything for happy ever after.

Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster.

She just needs someone to take her home.

(song credit Jon McLaughlin; *edited lyrics for personal use: [people])

I know that this is my fault, for feeling this way. I know I need to rely on myself and God, and not on others. I'm trying to let it all go, to be happy. To try-the human past time. I'm trying.

i love you...

I remember
the first time
I spoke the words to you.
They
slipped
across my lips,
binding words that speak of
permanence.

Words that speak of
trust.

The words poured from
my soul,
desperate to reach out
to yours.
Desperate to show you
what I'd hidden
for so long.

I told you that I love you.
The words would not stop.
I tried
to hold them back.
Another failure
on my part.

But I meant it.

Yes, my friend. I meant
what I said.
That I love you.

The words have escaped;
they no longer belong
to my heart.
They belong
to yours.

i hesitate...but i need to...

Ever since coming back to the blogging community, I've been hesitant to bring up the hard things. I've been afraid to put up any pieces I've written. I've feared judgment. I've also been trying to remember that there are a heck of a lot of people out there who are going through tougher things than I am; I feel like a selfish, dramatic child. I want to help other people. That's what I try to do. Sometimes-I think I need help, too. The times when I need help make me feel guilty. Right now I feel guilty.

I am not into self-disclosure at the moment (despite the first paragraph which just disclosed so much. More than I was planning). I'm having trust issues to say the least. But here, I find that I'm not afraid. Perhaps it is the fact that this is my space. I don't really control who reads or comments, but it's my place to put myself. This is me. Or perhaps it is because I know you-the people whose lives I read and relate to and enjoy from my bedroom. And yet, I don't know you. I don't know your faces. Any disappointment in me, I don't see. And if you stop reading, how am I to know?

Today has been rough. Very rough. There have been temptations and I was almost not strong enough. However, I put away my pride and didn't phone a friend-I texted. Yes. I text. Guilty.

It helped. For awhile.

Then the tears came again. The fear and loneliness and anger at my own stupidity came back. With it came the desire to do something stupid. It's like Oreo cookies: they make you feel better when you eat the whole package, but is it good for you? Eh...not so much. For short term it makes you forget, but the long term it just gives you a stomachache. So now, I'm in my space, and I'm going to put myself back where I belong. Here. With my words.

Broken girl with shattered dreams
clutching the shards tightly in her hands.
Crying from the pain of holding on,
but afraid to let the pieces go.

tag-ed...

Once Upon a Family has tagged me with some questions!!

1. What is the community you live in known for?

We are known for the happiness of the valley, the blueness of the residents, the tallness of the mountains, and the greenness of the Jell-o.

2. What was your favorite TV show when you were a kid?

Do I have to pick one? PBS stations: Arthur, Cyberchase, Liberty's Kids, Puzzle Place, Lamb Chops. Great stuff.

3. Do you have any pets?

I have a white fluffy thing (Maltese Pomeranian Shi Tzu mix, or Malteraniantzu) that loves me. Her name is Misty. And there's a cat that's adopted my house...he can't come in because my sister and I are both very allergic to cats, but he comes around every day.

4. How often do you vacuum?

Um...ah ha ha...not enough?

5. What would you want to do if you weren't living the life you are now?

I would be singing for my supper and making lots of money to buy shoes (???????).

6. Would you rather go to a crowded supermarket on a Friday afternoon or be canning on a hot day?

Supermarket! Because that's what I do anyway. And...I've never canned anything...

7. What is the best thing about your spouse?

I have no spouse. But maybe someday I can answer this question.

8. If you could go to the lunch with anyone in the world who would it be?

Currently I have no desire to go to lunch with anyone. Tomorrow, however, I would probably pick my friend Shelby because I haven't seen her in 5 years and I really, really miss her.

despite the madness...

I have been SO ANGRY. For most of the day. So instead of venting, I am simply going to make a list of all the good things that happened today. We'll see if that helps.

• Not feeling tired when I woke up
• My new purple sweater that I bought. Which I love. And that I actually think makes me look pretty.
• Understanding the math concepts that I missed last week while gone from school at the doctor/in bed
• Learning something new in Institute (even though it was kind of a slap in the face for me)
• Getting an A on my English paper
• Friends posting random notes on my Facebook page and making me smile
• Long text conversations
• Talking to a good friend about a problem and being taught so many new things
• Being blown kisses
• Dancing with my 3-year-old friend who is an absolute little doll
• Being hugged
• Knowing that a boy thinks you're cute, and knowing he respects you by treating you in a kind, friendly manner. No strings attached.
• Making a new friend
  

hard to breathe...

In a literal and figurative sense, yes, it is hard to breathe today. In the literal sense, I'm having a harder time than I was hoping for in getting over...whatever it is that I've got. When I woke up today I found it rather more difficult than usual to breathe, and so far nothing's changed. Perhaps it's the fact that I had several young gentlemen friends visit me and my sister (who is home from the hospital) last night and one of those young men tends to leave me feeling rather breathless. He's just so good looking. :)

In the figurative sense...ever feel like you're needed by so many people but they forget that once in awhile you might need them? I know I'm rather selfish, but I'm feeling very tired and worn down. There are people who I want to help and be strong for. Sometimes I just get a little bit tired. For example:

I have many friends who are several years younger than I am. I count them as some of my closest friends, in fact. And there is probably only one of them who isn't struggling with something similar to what I went through at that age. One young friend in particular is having a really rough time.

He doesn't think he's good enough for anything or anybody. He engages in behaviors that at times make me want to smack him and at other times send me to my room crying because I'm so afraid for him. Last night was frightening. All of this group of friends of mine went to a theatre competition. I got a text from him in the evening after the awards ceremony. He didn't do as well as he'd hoped, and that kind of sent him over the edge. It was very scary for me; here I am at home, so far away from him, unable to do anything more than what I can do over the phone.

The feeling of helplessness that comes with these situations is so hard for me. I want my friends to be happy! I want them to be safe and know that they are loved. These relationships with my friends have given me a greater appreciation for the people who stuck with me when I was at my lowest points. Now I see how hard it was on them, to talk in circles and watch me keep doing the same things. I see how hard it is on them now, even though I personally am doing better. They keep sticking it out. It makes me want to try harder.

So yes. Today, it is very hard to breathe. I think I'm going to go back to bed.

not abandoned...

Do you ever wake up from a dream and find yourself thinking, "Wow. Did I really just do that? I mean, it was a dream...but did I really do that in my dream?"

Lately I'm seeing a new side of myself as my subconscious, sleepy mind wakes. I scream, I yell, I cry, I break lamps and punch walls. I say incredibly insensitive, mean things to people who don't deserve them, and I say even meaner things to people who might need to hear a little bit of...something (not to say it needs to come from me). In short, my dream self is a rather brutal, violent, angry person.

I don't like that.

What problems is my mind trying to solve? Sure, I'm probably reading too much into this, but I'm curious. Am I as "healed" as I pretend I am? Have I really forgiven the people who I feel have hurt me? Am I incredibly selfish? I feel very selfish. Sometimes so selfish I'm ashamed of myself. And some days I really do feel so very, very hurt and betrayed. Honestly, nothing really bad has happened. I wasn't beaten or anything like that. It's more the feeling of being abandoned. Which is in itself ridiculous. I'm not an abandoned person. My family and my friends are here. God is always here.

It doesn't always feel that way.

These dreams are bothering me. A lot.

kids, don't try this at home...

I have taken the definition of "experimentation" to a whole new level.

You may be asking, "What the heck did you do, Georgie?"

OH, I will tell you what I did.

DRUGS

Let me explain:

For the past couple of weeks, I've been gradually getting very sick. And today, I woke up unable to turn my head because my throat was so swollen. So I finally did what I should have done earlier in the week: I went to the doctor. He told me I have a viral infection and I also have the potential to develop something similar to my sister. Which means that if left untreated, I could land in the hospital with her. Now, I love my sister and all, but my room sharing days ended when I was eight, so I'm rather inclined to keep riding solo when it comes to sharing space. SO I decided to take the doc's advice and med up.

Un problemo: the antibiotic he prescribed is in the same family as a medication I had an allergic reaction to when I was little. However, that was nearly two decades ago (I'm pushing my age because I can), so doctor, mother, and myself decided to take the risk because

1. The antibiotics are different enough that "she should be fine"
2. This particular antibiotic really kicks my particular problem in the butt, and the faster its butt gets kicked the better off I'll be
3. I really didn't want to end up in the hospital so I wanted that kick quick

Here's what we decided to do: I was to get the medicine at the pharmacy and go visit my sister at the hospital. After arriving, I was to take the medicine and wait to see if I had an allergic reaction. If said reaction occurred (no matter how I spell this word it looks wrong, so I'm leaving it), I was to inform a nurse and get treated right away. If said reaction never happened, I was to go home and rest.

This is where the term "experimentation" gets taken to a new level. I did as the doctor instructed. I, however, had an advantage: I was not trying this at home. There was a fully trained medical staff just outside the door. Granted they had no idea what was going on, but in my mind it was good. And it made me feel super dangerous. Insert sniggering here.

I took the drugs. And guess what? Nothing. Happened. Which is why I'm sitting at home in the office writing of my drug adventure right at this moment.

We can now officially declare that the question: "will she have an allergic reaction" gets a negatory. The hypothesis: "she'll be fine due to the nearly two decade time lapse" gets a thumbs up.

Myth busted.

(that doesn't really work...I've just always wanted to say that.)

hospital anyone?

Yesterday my sister was put in the hospital. She's been really sick for a couple of weeks, and a viral infection turned into pneumonia which turned into a stay in the hospital. I'm actually sitting with her right now listening to her sing songs from "High School Musical", which is funny because last time I checked she dislikes "High School Musical". I take it she's bored and I should probably be talking to her instead of posting this, BUT...this is hour number 5. She's not talking to me anyways...she likes singing.

Hospitals are interesting places. Happy things take place here. Sad things take place here. People laugh. People cry. People are born. And people die. That rhyme was unintentional. You get the point. Anyway, as I've been sitting here I'm realizing that hospitals are very complex settings. So many different events take place here. So many different experiences. While one couple is exclaiming over their perfect new baby, another couple could be suddenly faced with the fact that their long awaited little one will never come home. One person could be tenderly helping their soul mate into the car, while another might be saying good-bye for the last time. It's all so fascinating to me, this idea that so many lives are being lived while we are so very unaware of one another.

In this world we're so connected-Facebook, blogging, cell phones, email-we're so very much involved with one another. And yet, there are still so many strangers. How do we affect other people? How are we affected by others? How do all of the unintentional connections affect us, like when you make eye contact with a stranger in the hallway? That happened to me downstairs; a woman and I made eye contact as I was going in the elevator and she was coming out. She was sad, yet she smiled at me. I was sad, yet I smiled at her. Did we help each other? Despite our backgrounds and personal struggles, did we perhaps make one another stronger for just a little while?

Then again I could be crazy...good night.

starts w/an "s"...

and ends with a "lacker".

HOLY FREAKIN' COW I am such a slacker.

So it's October. My last post? April. I feel like a whole chunk of my life has disappeared.

Ri.
Di.
Cu.
Lous.

And I know I say this every time: I WILL CHANGE!!! Well...I probably won't. Not overnight. But I will try.

spring break saturday...

Saturday:

• BYU Ballroom performance
• Jordan's house
• Ruthie's house-Howl's Moving Castle

As you've probably guessed, this week has been Spring Break. Saturday was pretty much as epic as Friday, but it wasn't quite as long. I slept in.

BYU Ballroom-My family and I went to the matinee performance of BYU Ballroom Company's show "Encore". It was really, really cool. Some things that I learned:

• Choreographers really, really like Cha Chas, sambas, and waltzes.
• The opening theme of "Pirates of the Caribbean" is a waltz.
• The West Coast Swing champion couple from California? Well-they can be outdanced.
• Costumes really can make or break a dance.
• You can do ballroom dance to hymns!? Yes.
• I suck at ballroom.
• I really, really, really. Suck. At ballroom.

One really cool thing about going to this was that the man we sat to was the guy who taught the ballroom dance couple on the Lawrence Welk Show (spelling?). He used to have a studio in California, and he taught Bobby and the girl he danced with. That was really cool. He told us a lot of stuff about touring and teaching, and he was really nice, too.

Jordan's House-I don't really remember why, but somehow Ruthie and I ended up at Jordan's house (again). We both knew that he was going on a date with Martie to the ballroom performance I'd seen that morning, but we went over anyways. I thought he'd left an hour before, but apparently he hadn't because he was the one who answered the door. Martie and Jordan had decided that she would wear her red Homecoming dress and he would wear his Chamber Choir tux to match her, just for fun. He opened the door all dressed up, and he was wearing his "highway patrol man" sunglasses, and the first thought in my mind was "Oh, gosh. He is hot." And then I felt bad; I don't have a crush on him or anything, and besides, that's disloyal to my best friend. It's a fine line, and I feel like I cross it quite frequently. Makes me feel bad. :P

Anyway, Ruthie and I stayed after Jordan left and hung out with Jason and the kids. They invited us to eat dinner with them (which I did-first time), and then we helped clean up the dishes. A waterfight almost broke out, but only just. I love helping out at their house. It's really fun, and Jason and I mess with each other all the time.

Pretty soon Ruthie's mom called and asked if we wanted to go over to Ruthie's house to watch a movie. That sounded like a good idea, so we did!! And it was fun:

Howl's Moving Castle-So, the book and the movie are very different. And I, personally, think that Howl looks WAY too much like a girl/is too beautiful. It kind of bothered me the whole movie. Other than that it was pretty good. I enjoyed it.

Sitting next to Jason was more enjoyable though. I felt kind of awkward, because the couch was full of people and we were really close, and I was super tired. I was afraid I was going to fall asleep and land on his shoulder or something. Ruthie let me borrow a jacket (which once belonged to Aries kid), and I kind of used that as a pillow. I still felt kind of paranoid, because secretly I found myself actually wanting to be close to him. Stupid girl. I'm ridiculous.

Jordan came over a little later, and he and Ruthie went to buy poster board for their drama assignment which they both forgot about. Jason and Kyle drove me home, and I got a hug again! Hugs from friends are the greatest ever, really.

It was a good last day of break.

spring break friday...

Today I wore shorts for the first time in 5 years. Be proud of me-it was terrifying. But SO awesome at the same time.

Rehearsal-It started out with another rehearsal for "The Valiant" (hereafter referred to as "T.V."). David wasn't able to come, so I had to do my first scene without him. Adam took David's lines and read them in I kid you not the flattest, most boring monotone I have ever heard in my entire life, once in awhile broken by an accent somewhere between Mexican and Middle Eastern. Try playing off of THAT. It was interesting, hard, annoying, AND a good learning experience because I had to keep in character despite the funky voices/boring. Then, after we ran through the show twice, we timed it sitting down reading our lines. 26 minutes. That's long for a student directed one-act. It'll be more like 30 minutes when we finally set everything. Longest one-act of the year. Jasmine is going to talk to Mr. Criman (drama teacher) to see if that's still okay, since he was the one who gave her the show in the first place. We shall see what happens.

And I just have to say-Adam makes everything awkward. On purpose. Because he can. And all the same, I pretty much love that kid. He is so awesome.

Soccer-Next came a soccer game over at the junior high school. Brad invited me, and this was who was there (at least those I know): Tiana, Rachael, Tucker, Brad (of course), Justin, Nick, Hugh, Jason (different one), Jared, and Kevin. I think I got everybody. It was fun-I'm in better shape than I thought I was. The only problems were that it was a little bit cold, and then Tucker fell on his wrist. I could tell that it was swollen, but nobody seemed sure as to what to do. It was kind of ironic; I was surrounded by Eagle Scouts and I was the only who thought to get him some ice and some pain killer with swelling reducer in it. He wouldn't go for the ace bandage wrap idea, so ice it was. Tiana, Tucker, and I drove down to the gas station, nearly getting hit in the parking lot twice by girls backing out without looking. >.<

Some interesting things happened with Kevin. I went and sat down by him because he wasn't feeling well, and he commented that instead of buying a bag of ice I should have just used a water cup and filled it with ice from the soda machine. "It would've been less of a pain, and it's free if you do it that way. Sort of obvious, you know?" It kind of bugged me a little bit. Kevin is my friend, but whenever I'm around him I feel like he thinks everything I do is stupid or silly or far below his level of intelligence and practicality. The only reply I can think of in times like this, such as with the ice, is "Yeah, I guess it was obvious. I'm just not as smart as you." And then he gets this sad look on his face and his eyes go to the ground. He shakes his head and says, "You put yourself down a lot. You shouldn't do that."

Whatever.

Eagle Project-I invited the boys and Ruthie to come over to my house to watch Surf's Up, and Jason and Jordan said they would come "on one condition-that you come to the movie theater tomorrow at 3:00 to help out with Jordan's Eagle Project."

Well, seeing as Jordan is pretty much one of my best friends, there is no way I would miss his Eagle Project unless it was completely unavoidable, so their conditions for a movie party at my house were rather useless. I left a little bit early from the soccer game to go over to the theater where Jordan had planned to plant flowers, trees, and bushes. The older boys/men were also going to be removing some dead trees (chainsaw time). Several of my other good friends were there: Adam (different one), Andrew, Paul, Joseph, Ann, Jane, of course Ruthie, her sisters and mom, and Jordan's family. I was the first one there after Ruthie. I sat down to tell her about the soccer game while we were taking pansies out of pots to put into the ground. I heard someone behind me, and I looked at Ruthie and said "Jason's going to come scare me, isn't he?"

Yep. And even though I knew he was there and heard him say, "What if I came up behind you and did this?" I was super scared and totally screamed when he grabbed me. Pretty much the most outrageous thing he has done since the ice fight (did I ever say anything about that? *smirk*). He's pretty shy, most of the time. Somehow I managed to "chip that shell", as Ruthie called it, and now he teases me like crazy. I think it's funny, and it's kind of fun at the same time.

Anyway, the girls at the project were put in charge of planting flowers in the garden, and the boys got to plant the trees. Jason and I planted four juniper bushes in the time it took Ruthie and Jordan to plant two. Not to mention ours looked nice; they weren't crooked and they were spaced evenly. One word of caution-junipers are pretty but they bite. Seriously, those things are so poky. Then Ruthie and I were assigned to take down some Christmas lights that had been left up on the fence from winter. Problem: Ruthie and I are both under 5' 5". The fence was six feet tall. Tip toes!! To pass the time (we couldn't talk because we had to start on opposite ends of the fence) I practiced my songs for the Ariosa recital at the end of the month. Apparently the man in charge of the musical theatre part of the movie theater (they do a lot of live productions, especially in the summer at the outdoor stage) could hear me through the fence and wants me to come audition. Exciting? Yeah...pretty much. :)

All of the work got done in under 2 hours. Excellent.

Surf's Up-So my youngest sister is a total flirt. And if kind of bugs me. A lot.

THAT aside, it was a BLAST!! Jason is hilarious, Kyle is so sweet, Jordan is adorable, and Ruthie is a doll. Ruthie fell asleep halfway through the movie because she was super worn out. She and Jordan are so cute; he takes really good care of her. I mean, they're "just friends" in a sense, but they really like each other. Then Jason-what am I going to do with him? He's crazy!! Amanda kept slamming me all night, and everytime he'd hit her in the face with a pillow. She'd try to retaliate and miss. And they all spent a lot of time trying to get me to blush. It's a favorite past time of the two oldest boys. They think it's so funny. Well-it's not. Just because "it should be illegal for somebody to blush as much as you do!!" (thank you, Jordan). Gosh. Haha.

Oh, and tonight was the first time that Jason hugged me voluntarily. He's done it once before, but that was only because we'd just gotten home from a date and Jordan kept looking at him like, "Come on. Do something!" It was quite hilarious. Tonight was nice though. It was just a hug, nothing more. Yay, we're friends!! :D

Basically it was a good day. I love my friends.

current status...

• Hungry-no desire to actually eat
  
• Exhausted-too much fun
  
• Sore-Eagle Project, soccer game
• Headache-sunburned/see hungry
• Warm-borrowed Ruthie's jacket (which used to be Aries's-lol)
• Confused-Aries is still in my mind, but then...what about him?
• Distracted-on purpose for various reasons

Overall state of being: exquisitely happy.

The exploits of this Friday and Saturday will be posted later on. I'm too tired right now. :)

busy day...

Today I had a rehearsal for "The Valiant" from 10:00 am-1:00 pm. I auditioned for one acts this year, which are short plays. The Drama 4 class does a unit on directing during the last term of the school year, and each student picks a show to direct. My director is the amazing Jasmine, one of my dear friends. I'm playing the role of the Warden. It's SUPER intense. I kind of love it. In the cast are Adam (James Dyke, murderer), David ([pronounced Dah-vee] Father Daly, priest), and Kate (Josephine Paris, girl who visits Dyke before his execution). From the character descriptions, you can kind of tell what happens. Barely. :) We practiced at Adam's house for a couple of hours, and wrote letters or journal entries from the point of view of our character. Mine was a journal entry, one before the execution and one after. All of the letters/journals were so intense. It was amazing.

When I got home I cleaned some of the house. Most of the living room was all ready finished, but no one had vacuumed. So I did it. And I did it while singing! Because nobody can hear you when the vacuum is running. And then I found out that I was the only one home so it wouldn't have mattered. Then I sang without the vacuum running. Haha. I also sorted all of the games that we have because they've been a MESS and it's been driving me nuts. But every time I think of it, I'm all ready engaged in a task or event. Not so today!! I spent fifteen minutes taking everything out of the cupboard, arranging it all by size, trying to stick it back in with some attempt at order, pulling it out again, and trying over again to get it all nice and neat. I think I succeeded. I think.

Know why I cleaned the house? It wasn't for fun; I don't particularly enjoy it. However, it was for a very good reason. Jason and Jordan and Kyle are coming over tomorrow (and hopefully Ruthie but I forgot to call her tonight-oops)!!!!! Now for intros:

• Jordan-my friend since 8th grade drama class, Jordan is amazing beyond belief. He is a notorious flirt but never hurts anybody. He's incredibly handsome. He's funny, clever, kind, and so full of energy I wish I could bottle it up and sell whatever he runs on because I'd be a millionaire. He truly is a guy worth having around.
• Jason-notice I wrote his name first? Lol...he's Jordan's older brother. He's quite possibly the sweetest young man I have ever met in my life. He is, like his brother, also very handsome. He's very shy and doesn't talk much, but when he does you better be paying attention because it's always hilarious. Or very wise. He took me on a date last week (most awkward date of my life because it was actually a date-lol) and it was fun. Really, lots of fun.
• Kyle-Jordan's younger brother. I'm not sure what to make of him except that he's smart, funny, shy, and quiet. He's more like Jason than Jordan is. At least so far. He's my youngest sister's age, so he's got some growing left. I really, really enjoy having him as a friend.
• Ruthie-I ADORE this girl. She is, without a doubt, my best friend. She's beautiful, funny, a klutz extraordinaire, so talented, kind, and loving. I don't know how I've gotten on without her before. We've always known each other, back since 7th grade. But we've never really, really known each other until about a month or so ago. Things just brought us together. Now we're almost inseparable. When I'm without her, people ask me, "Where's Ruthie?" She told me it's the same when I'm not with her. I kind of love it. The only sad thing is this: she'll be moving the week after graduation, about three hours away to go to school at USU. Three hours isn't a huge deal, I know, but that's a lot different than three minutes. We'll get along, but it'll be kind of hard.

So now you know some of my friends. :)

Dad and I visited BYU today because the new Freshman Mentoring program (required for all new students-you select a group of classes, and if the class you want isn't listed among those you can't take it. At all. Period. So that's why I'm not taking Science this semester because I've all ready completed Biology and I'd fail Chemistry) was giving me issues. The mentor I talked to, a really nice girl named Clarissa, helped me pick a class bundle (one required GE credit and a religion class). I'll be taking Comparative Lit. Honors and Book of Mormon 121 for sure. I can't add any more classes until July. Retarded. All of the ones I need/want will be full. :P

BYU is terrifying. It's so huge, and it's going to be so hard. I feel so completely alone on campus, especially after dad left to go pick mom up from school. I sat outside the art museum waiting for him to come back and get me feeling indescribably tiny. The only reason why I didn't start to cry was because it would be super awkward. The good part was that a guy walked past me and dropped his binder. I picked it up and gave it to him, and he started talking to me. His name was Chase Presley, and his bag told me that he is a member of the Ballroom Company at the school. He was really, really nice and talked to me for awhile. I hope there are a lot of people like him there. Maybe it won't be so bad.

Jasmine invited me over to her house to watch the new episode of "Bones". It was pretty good. Before we watched it, we (Jasmine, Alexis, Trevor, Melinda, and me) made pizza, looked at magazines with ridiculous and sometimes AWKWARD things you never knew you needed in them, and had bubble blowing contests in our drinks with the bendy straws Jaz found. Haha. I won. 37 seconds of bubble blowing, AND I was laughing so I was running out of air faster. We laughed so hard tonight. It was the best.

Then Kevin came over (the man of my dreams who is completely out of my league, which is why I don't pursue a crush on him, lol) and I felt uncomfortable. Mostly because I feel so intimidated by him. He's so amazing-SUPER, SUPER intelligent, spiritual beyond belief, really tall (really), good looking, clever, caring...everything. But anyways, it was a lot of fun. The two of us ended up on the couch next to one another, helping deal out cards for those playing Candyland to keep anyone from cheating. I feel kind of bad though, because he'll tease me or make fun of me about something and it totally leaves a hole open for me to get him back. Sometimes it might be a little bit less kind than I intended. Ugh...I'll have to work on that.

And now I'm feeling a little bit fragile again. I wonder why that happens; great time with friends who I know care about me, and yet I feel like I'm breaking apart again. I don't enjoy that part of things. So I'm going to go to bed, because it's been a long day and tomorrow will be even longer. It will be good-I know it will be good. Look, I'll show you:

• Call BYU and change my major (yes-it's changed again. I'll tell you later. :) )
  
• Rehearsal at Adam's house
• Soccer with friends at Lakeridge (Brad invited me!! No one from that group [Kevin's friends who are my friends too but not so much good friends anymore-it kind of died] has invited me to do anything with them in about 2 and a half years!!)
• Jordan's Eagle Project at the Scera
• Get ready for people to come over
• PARTY with Jason, Jordan, Kyle, and Ruthie!!

I'm excited.

the war begins...

...this. is. so...


...hard...

...and it's only day one...

I knew it would be hard. I knew it would be super hard, but never like this. There have been two thoughts in my mind, constant, no matter what I may be doing. The first concerns the aforementioned Aries and my confusion, fear, and hurt by our mutual failures and betrayals. That's no news-it's been going on for weeks. The second, however, was never this constant, this, well, urgent.

It's because of last night. Before there was always an outlet for the barrage of thoughts. There was a way to get rid of the persistent badgering because the tools were actually available (and no, I don't do drugs). But now they're gone, because I decided to get rid of them. I decided I was going to fight the voices of "you can't", "you're a loser", "you deserve the pain, and you know it will help". Instead of embracing the pricking words as truth, I would throw them off into the dirt and walk away.

These voices have proven to be worthy opponents.

I have entered a battle that I was not prepared for. I've actually been in the thick of the conflict for some time, but I never made a true stand. There was never any push on my part, to thwart the advances of fear and sorrow and self-hatred. Now I have begun to stand fast against the onslaught of lies that my head and heart listen to.

But I am truly not prepared. The voices and feelings, perhaps even chemicals in my body, are strong (or not strong enough, if it still is chemical). They jab in the weakest places, because they know them all. They have been advancing steadily for years; all of the soft spots are well mapped. Onward they charge, throwing all of their force at the still open wounds.

And, somehow, I seem to have misplaced my shield.

steps that cannot be retraced...

...I made a decision tonight...

It was done without thought and out of desperation, a feeling that I have been plagued with for a few days. More like months, actually. I just didn't know it or wouldn't recognize it. I've been fighting off feelings of every kind for a long time; there's no time for emotion, or pain, for that matter, anymore.

But sometimes things happen that crack the pretense of confidence and security. And it truly is pretense. The happy, friendly exterior of a person often hides darker, deeper thoughts and fears. Fears which might even be suppressed and hidden from oneself. It can be shame, or guilt, or escape from pain, or anger at having such feelings. But they are still there: the doubts, the faults, the weaknesses. Each person, struggling day by day through their own personal troubles. Many of which no one will ever know. Many of which, I believe, occur most often inside hearts and minds.

Friendships fail; relationships die. New ones begin, but in all cases the past creeps its fingers into the heart and pries open old wounds-the fear of repeated pain causes one to fall inward. It is the same for things dreamed of, for things hoped for. The long awaited triumph that never comes, the bitter disappointment of being so close, but not making the mark. Dreams, once unwrapped gently like shining glass ornaments and viewed with starry eyes, are placed in dusty boxes and forgotten. Hopes, left untended and alone, shrivel and die like a flower gone too long without water. The continual pain of disappointment often leaves one an empty shell, merely existing. Not truly living.

Every person carries scars. Some scars are only skin deep, with stories behind them, whether sad or brave. Other scars are more painful. Scars of rejection; scars of failure; scars of shame; scars of guilt. Even love causes scars. And sometimes, the personal struggles can leave permanent, easily viewed damage. Broken skin, torn and bleeding, releasing the pain one cannot understand. Broken hearts, brutally ripped apart, beating unevenly in a sobbing gasp. Broken things, tender children with souls of sorrow, faces bent to the ground. For we are all children, in a way. We are all, very much, children, broken and beaten by the world.

I was once told to follow my heart. To do what I wanted most; to be what I wanted to be. I asked them what it meant to follow my heart. In response, I was told "to do what your heart tells you". With a shrug, I replied, "You know, I don't know what my heart tells me to do. It beats-I exist. Nothing more."

...but somehow, things have changed...

There are conflicting thoughts and feelings in my heard. There is terror at the thought of letting go. For so long I have been defined by depression and fear. For so long I have placed a shield between myself and the world. "I can't do it because of depression." "I can't ever be like that because of how I feel inside." "I can't; I'm too afraid." "I'll only fail-why even try?"

...no more...

I know now what I want; I know what my heart's desire is. And this decision-this choice-I pray will set me on the path to what I long for most. It will not be easy, for I am learning that the best choices are often times the most painful. I feel that pain now-the fear to let go-the pain that brings quiet tears and tremors from head to foot. It's terrifying, in more ways than one. But the alternative? The alternative is even more frightening.

My choice has been made. My course is set. The path I have begun will not take me back to where I was earlier this evening. I cannot go back. It will not ever be easy, not as long as I live. But I will learn. I will fail at times, but I will learn how to hope. I will learn how to dream.

...I will learn to live again...

blog much?

So, I kind of suck at keeping a blog anymore. I have the time to do it, I just don't. Possibly because I'll be gone for a few days (rehearsing, Choir Tour-epic, hanging with friends, etc.) and just forget.

I do want to update though, because for one I type faster than I can handwrite so it makes journaling easier, and second I want to share. And this is what I wanted to share today:

Now, I don't usually believe in horoscopes or fortune cookies or anything, but today's was particularly appropriate. Here's what it said:


"Letting yourself get emotional over bad stuff is healthy. Don't rush through it, Capricorn."
Mood: Uncomfortable
Compatibility: Aries

WELL, then...guess what? Totally PERFECT for today, except for one thing. The reason I've been "emotional over bad stuff" of late is due to a young Aries. In other words, a young man who is, in fact, an Aries. And today I talked to him about said emotion (he asked). And today Aries was my compatible sign.

Horoscope FAIL. But, at the same time...horoscope WIN.

say what?

rehearsal of doom...

I've never liked body microphones. The first time I wore one was in "CATS". That mic pack was one that you taped to your cheek.

I found out today that I have to wear a mic for "Seasons of Love". Only it's a weird mic. It's called: a hair mic. You clip it to your hair in two places, at the base of your hair line and at the back of your scalp. Then you tape it to your neck. Then you put it into a bag around your waist or, in some cases, in a pouch near your chest.

The problem with a hair mic is that it's very obvious. I mean, it kind of looks like a piece of fluff of peanut butter or gum stuck in your hair right above your forehead. SO, you have to hide it somehow. Since it was just tech rehearsal we weren't too concerned about hiding the mics right then, but we had to think about it for the performances. I wonder how I'm going to fix my hair over it...

The tech rehearsal was long, but not super long for me because my specialty number was at the very beginning of the program. As soon as I was done I left. When I got home I was feeling really down. I was frustrated with the rehearsal, I was nervous about upcoming tests, AND my costumes still weren't done. My mom had had a ton of math homework so she couldn't help me, and I don't know how to sew that sort of stuff. We called a lady in my ward, and she agreed to help but then her husband called back an hour later to tell us that she'd come down really sick.

I didn't know what to do. I pulled out the neighborhood directory and looked up people who I know can sew. I found Sister Baird's number, who helped with my skirt before. I called her and asked if she could help me hem the skirt and fix the length of the bodice, and she said she'd help me.

Goodness gracious, she did help me!! Plus her husband showed my dad how they'd done the kitchen, and I've decided that I want a kitchen like they have when I grow up. Talk about counters!! You can never have too much counterspace, I think.

So it's been working out again. :)

sunday...

Today is Sunday. Nothing happened except that I slept. Oh, and:

• Drank orange juice
• Cough syrup every 4 hours
• Ibuprofen every 6-8 hours
• Ate/drank chicken broth
• Read
• Facebook

Tomorrow is Monday. *sigh* I am not ready for it yet.

rest day...

Today was tech rehearsal. It wasn't mandatory for any students in choir, but it was extra credit if you went. I was planning on going, but I haven't been getting any better. In fact, I've been getting worse. My voice is nearly gone now, and it just hurts all over. Today I just stayed in bed and slept or read books.

I'm so glad it's the weekend. Hopefully this will all work out and I'll be able to perform.

Speaking of working out, I need to get my costumes finished. The purple dress my grandma sewed together is too long in the torso, and the blue skirt that Sister Baird did is too long and comes to my ankles. See? Short.

specialty numbers...

Today we had a rehearsal overlap problem. The rehearsal for "America" and the rehearsal for specialty numbers were scheduled at the same time. It was interesting. The first thing that was practiced was the song "Seasons of Love". I can't be in that number because I have a really quick costume change, from preshow to "Grease". I sat and watched for a long time, and then it was time for the specialy numbers to practice.

"Grease" is first on the program after the opening choir number. We finally got everything set on the stage and all of the spacing worked out. Finally. It was kind of frustrating because a couple of people didn't want to be moved or consistently said that they couldn't move two feet fast enough (which they really could, because they did it three times). But it did get worked out, and I think it's going to go all right for the concert. I can't believe it's a week from today all ready.

"America" was scheduled to practice in the foyer of the auditorium during the same time as the specialty numbers, so that was a bit of a problem. Jeremiah wasn't particularly happy with that because there were five people in "Grease" and "America", and then there were boys in specialty numbers right after "Grease". So...it was interesting. I couldn't even dance full out for either number, and I couldn't sing very well because I've still been really sick. Ugh.

Let's hope this works out.

slightly frustrating...

1. People not paying attention during rehearsals, therefore wasting valuable time
2. Rehearsal overlaps
3. Techie-performer clashes (luckily I don't have to worry about it because I'm friends with pretty much every single techie [Thespian Troupe 3490 for the win!!] but still...it's annoying when two groups of friends don't like each other at all [West Side Story, anyone?])
4. The short girls and boys in the "Amereeca" dance being stuck on the back row while the tall girls and boys get put on the front row (most of whom can't even dance as well as the short people)
5. Singers who stand still with no movement whatsoever and the song dies
6. People not showing up to rehearsals that they really did know about but "forgot"
7. Getting sick and getting steadily worse with the concert one week away
8. Being half an hour late to rehearsal because of mentioned illness
9. People not taking costumes seriously
10. Costume that took so much time and so much effort being too long in the torso (short!!)

Among other things. And now I'm going to bed because I really am sick and it's stupid. But at least I'm smiling because:

1. Tiana is an amazing friend
2. Jordan is an amazing friend
3. Paul is an amazing friend and gives really, really good massages. He is my new headache medicine.
4. Lots and lots of people have come up to me to tell me that I'm a good dancer
5. I have a soft, soft, soft bed
6. Mrs. Davis said that I'm doing fantastic on the samba and that she's very pleased with how quickly I've caught up then moved ahead
7. Brad (BYU Young Ballroom Dance Team member) being my partner for the test next Tuesday in Ballroom
8. Kevin agreeing to be my math tutor
9. Andrew's outrageously HIDEOUS colorful shirt with ridiculous patterns all over it that he's wearing for the show because "it's flamboyant and colorful and that's what they wanted for the Sharks" while yelling out "Lawn-da-ree (laundry), ah ha ha!!" during "Amereeca" when we sing about having washing machines. It totally made my day.
10. Being able to sleep in tomorrow despite afternoon rehearsals because there's no school!!

So yeah. Frustrated, but still happy.

UBSCT testing = sleeping in!! wait...

This week is UBSCT testing (Utah Basic Skills Competency Test). It's for sophomores, and you have to pass it to graduate. This means yes, there are occasionally some juniors and seniors involved. I took it my junior year for the first time because 1) I had no idea it was going on, 2) I didn't even go to MVHS most of the time (I was at the alternative high school to catch up on work that I'd missed after getting sick at the start of second term), and 3) I was taking classes at the college that were during the same time as the test.

Anyways, usually people not taking the test get to stay home from school until 10:00 am. People generally go to breakfast or sleep in. No sleeping in for A Cappella students. Yesterday and today were the morning rehearsals for "Seasons of Love". 7:45 am - 10:00 am. Also costume checks for all people involved. Mine are mostly done; one is too long and the other one is...too long. SHORT.

It's been crazy. Loud, boring, crazy, and tiring. It's also been fun, for the most part. I've just been very tired, and kind of really sick. My voice is leaving!! Not a good thing at all. And I'm worried about a lot of stuff, and I'm pretty sure my friend(s) isn't/aren't going to come see the show even though he/they told me that he/they would. *sigh* Oh, well!! I'm finding out that I have a LOT more friends that I thought I did, and they're all pretty wonderful.

Good night, now. :)

forgot to mention...

I forgot!! Last week I had a job interview at the public library, where I volunteered this summer (and hope to start doing again as soon as the concert and choir tour are over). It went...fine. Not as well as I'd hoped, because there were four majorly important adults interviewing me (a couple of whom [who? of who? of whom? whom?] I know and have known me for years, or I found out have known me for years and I didn't know that they did...) and I was terrified. Then some of the questions one of them asked me really threw me off. Not to mention the face she made after I answered. Ugh...it was frightening and really dinged my all ready nonexistent self-confidence. I am just not confident enough to get a job. It's really frustrating.

Anyways, Louise (the one I found out has been watching me for several years) called me today to tell me that they'd chosen a different applicant for the position, BUT...she "was very impressed by your interview and thought you did very well, so I wanted to let you know that several library page positions will be opening up later this week and they'll be posted online. Just in case you're interested."

Um...how can I not be excited about that? Louise is the director of the Human Relations department, the Publicity department, and the Public Events department. She's kind of important, and she liked me!! So that was a definite plus to the day, and kind of to my life.

I have some things to remember when times get tough again. I'm still badgered with depressing thoughts (if depression had innings I'd be at the bottom of the ninth with bases loaded and two outs, coming up to bat with a sledgehammer and a cannon for the pitcher...it's been really bad) but now I have some things to combat them with that are fresh in my mind. I'm crossing my fingers that it will get better. Not to mention I'm somehow having words float around in my head like mad and all I have to do is reach out, grab them, and place them in the correct order on paper.

I'm very confused by all of this. Three weeks of utter darkness and there's suddenly all this light. It's so weird.

i've misplaced january...

It's gone all ready? Where the heck was I? Seriously, when morning announcements came on at school today I was very confused. At least I wasn't the only one; several other seniors were looking around saying, "What? February? When did that happen?"

Oh, today. Weird. Time doesn't seem to take so very long anymore, except on days where I only have two classes and can't wait for study hall to get over so I can go home (having four classes one day and two the other make for very long A-days). I feel like it should still be three weeks before Christmas.

I was very glad that it was a short day today (Mondays are early out days; school ends an hour earlier than normal), and that it was a B-day so I only had two classes. This meant that I could possibly be able to sneak my transcript into the UVU Admissions Office to try and finish up applying for the scholarship I've been working on. I was terrified of doing it (essay question had five parts, one of which was "why are you valuable to the community" or something like it and my first thought: I have no value! *panic and close browser window then go cry for two hours then fall asleep*). I learned something: fear can cause procrastination. Wonderful. :P

Anyways, the point of the story is that they accepted my transcript because the deadline didn't become effective until 5:00 pm, when the office closed. I got mine in at 10:30. Hallelujah!! I was so excited and relieved that I actually skipped down the walk, making several older college students look over their shoulders at me and raise their eyebrows. Then I decided to check the time left on the parking meter where the car parked next to me was. It said 00:00 minutes...so I decided to pay for another 40 minutes for them because I was so ecstatic and happy and just...what's a synonym for relieved?

That was when I started to get tired. I mean REALLY tired. I came home, fed myself and my dog, and decided to lie down for twenty minutes or so. Five hours later I woke up. And the weird thing is this: I've been awake for only six hours after that "nap" and I'm exhausted. Maybe it's because I know what's in store for tomorrow. Ugh. Busy day. But I'm excited for it, too, or at least telling myself that I am. We shall see.

you missed...

I received a comment from a friend about creating. I decided to try creating again...I don't know if it's any good, but it helps me wrap my head around what's going on. I'm feeling extremely confused about why I'm so down. It doesn't make sense-I've got so much to be happy about but when I start counting those things, I don't feel better. I actually feel worse. So I decided to try something. I picked two random words from a book. I opened the pages, closed my eyes, and pointed. These are the words I found: "missed" and "you".

With those words, I wrote the first things that came to mind and titled it "You Missed". I don't know if this worked out at all, but I feel better for some reason.

You came to me

late one night,

when the shadows

made pictures on the walls,

creeping along the fence

and hiding from the

touch of the

streetlight.

You came to me

with tears in your voice,

your head hanging,

ashamed to be

feeling the way

that you were.

You asked me for help,

and I gave it.

You came to me

and asked me

to catch you,

to be there when

you were falling.

You asked me

to reach out,

and I did.

Now it’s my turn

to come to you,

when the shadows

creep into my heart

from outside,

leaving their walls

and fences

to darken my mind.

I came to you,

unafraid of

how I felt.

Unashamed,

for I knew

that you’d catch me

as I started

to fall.

And you missed.

mapped me...

I was reminded of this tonight by a fellow blogger. I did it about a year ago when a friend tagged me. Let's do it again.

lips: split (i've been worried of late)
eyes: sleepy
ears: selective
mind: agitated
body: listless
heart: empty

I feel too much sadness, and no matter how I try I cannot find ways to push it aside to make room for any joy.

my wish tonight...

Have you ever missed someone so badly that they're constantly on your mind? Has there ever been a time when no matter what you do, their face swims in front of your eyes, smiling and laughing?

Oh, it's that time again. No matter what I'm doing, that name keeps racing around and around in my head: in math class, while polishing choreography, cleaning my room, everything I've done today. What I would give to hear his voice, or even read words that he typed.

You know that you've become really good friends with someone when you ache for them. It's so hard having the person who somehow knows you the best and who you're closest to live too far away to see everyday, or even once a week.

And so my wish tonight: for him to be happy, and to somehow be able to hear his voice.

************

My other wish: to have someone write that scholarship essay for me because I have absolutely no ideas whatsoever. :P

some stuff...

The costumes were due today. I only had one to bring; my neighbor did a beautiful job on the "Grease" skirt and it totally fits perfectly. I'm finishing it up the hem and the waist band to make sure it's the right length and stuff, and I kind of know how to do that. So today I took the skirt and the white blouse I found to go with it, feeling overwhelmed and nervous because the other one is just getting started and afraid that I'd be in trouble.

On the contrary, Mrs. Wilde (the costume mistress for the whole show) was very pleased, especially when her daughter told her that I have no experience whatsoever with this (8th grade does not count; we didn't even cut out patterns. They were all ready finished and then my friend helped me do all the rest because I was so confused). She agreed when I said I was taking about 6 inches off of the skirt (yep...I'm short) so it would hit mid-calf, and she loves the idea of wearing a fluffy petticoat underneath (thank you PCT costume closet). She also loved the blouse and asked where I got it so she could tell other girls in choir.

Then I told her about the Anita costume: dark purple with glittery pinkish sparkles all over it, a medium full skirt, and a tie around the waist that makes a big bow in the front. Then there's going to be gold drop earrings, a gold necklace, my hair curled with half up half down (that was her idea; she told me "it's too gorgeous to hide in a bun!! We're keeping it visible, girl!!") and possibly a flower in my hair, like a yellow lily or big white carnation or something. Not red, it'd look funny with the purple fabric.

So, yeah. Mrs. Wilde seems happy, and she said she is really glad that I've taken it so seriously. A lot of people haven't even started looking for costumes, and some of the stuff people have found is way too modern because they didn't do the costume research assignment. I didn't really need to; my family is so into theatre that all of that just seems to come naturally.

*****************

The Anita costume is actually coming along. I cut out the pattern on Tuesday night here at home, then last night my dad and I went to my Nana's house and cut out the fabric with her. Grandpa made us the most wonderful grilled cheese sandwiches ever; I thought I'd mention them because they were really fabulous and made me happy.

Nana and I pinned the pattern pieces onto the fabric together. I started helping with cutting it out, but my scissors are terrible and the fabric was really slippery, so it wasn't working. I sat with Nana and talked about different things; the skiing events that were on the TV, my mom and her brother when they were little (mom was a lot like me; we both started talking when we were about 8 months old. In complete sentences. ??), scriptures, sewing, and the play coming up in the summer at PCT ("Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat"). It was kind of cool to just talk with her.

When we got finished, dad and Nana started talking about lots of different things, too. I don't remember much; I was so tired that I was focusing on trying not to fall asleep. We decided to go at about 7:30. On our way, I asked if we could stop by Zach's house so I could just say hi. I miss him so much that it hurts (literally-it's driving me crazy). I didn't think dad would go for it, but he did!!

I only stayed for about 30 seconds on the front porch. Daniel opened the door and jumped on me to give me a hug. Then before I even finished asking if Zach was home, he skidded into the room looking very excited. All of a sudden he became very worried and grabbed me while asking if something was wrong. It kind of made me laugh; I've been told lately that I don't look well at all (wonder why) and apparently he agrees. I gave him the note I wrote just in case he wasn't home, then said good-bye. He looked disappointed, but I told him dad was out in the car and he understood. It was so good to see him, even for a few seconds. I don't know what it is about him, but he just makes me want to keep moving forward.

It was a good thing we stopped. We were almost at the freeway when I felt something poking me and realized I had forgotten to give Nana the zipper, thread, and dress hooks. Haha. Oops. So dad turned around and we went back. I'm glad he wasn't mad at me. That would have been very bad.

Things keep working out. I feel lousy, shattered (still), and exhausted, but things are working out. Seeing my best friend has helped a lot; today was better. Not to mention I only had two classes so I came home and slept for three hours. And I drove Jordan home again today, and talking to him was really great.

Oh, did I tell you how much I hate ballroom? Well...that's getting better, too. One of the boys in my grade, Garrett, taught my class on Tuesday because Mrs. Davis was gone. Several times when there was a partner rotation and I'd end up alone (we have 16 girls in the class and 10 boys), he'd come dance with me. It was very, very helpful. He talked to me after class and told me that when I have a good lead, I do very well "which is kind of how it goes in ballroom, so don't beat yourself up about it."

Today I was talking to him again, and he was thinking out loud about ways that he could maybe help me. Then, out of nowhere, he jumped up and yelled "Oh! I am so blindfolding you next time!!" Then he explained why: when I was dancing with him I realized that I kept fighting his lead. I was just doing it subconsciously, and even though I'd figured it out I couldn't stop. Garrett said he wants to try having me dance without being able to see so I have to rely on a lead. That is going to be nerve wracking.

It's been interesting this week. Overall I'd rate it as a 2 out of 10 the way I feel, but the way things are going? Probably an 8 out of 10.

2 am...

Last night was very long, worrying, and emotionally draining. It was nearly 1:00, and I was about to climb into bed (huzzah!!) when I literally heard the words "you need to get back onto the computer" in my mind.

I have learned that when this voice says things that you listen to it. So I did. I got on the computer and hit Facebook. A friend of mine was on. I sat there staring at his name, debating on whether or not to say hello. I don't like initiating conversations with friends; I'm afraid that they'll be bothered or won't want to talk at the moment. I finally decided to click on the name and said hello, then I asked a question: "What makes you happy?"

At the time I was feeling horrible. Yesterday was another bad day (though not as bad as Monday) and I was definitely shattered. But as I talked to my friend, I found that he's hurting a lot more than I am but he's much more alone.

We talked until 2 in the morning. I hope it helped him, and I hope he knows how much I care about him. He's such a great person, and a wonderful friend. I wish I could do more. Hopefully I'll think of something, or that the little voice will come back and nudge me in the right direction.

did i mention i don't sew?

Other than the clothing class I took in 8th grade and the minimal running stitch practice I did while volunteering at a living history museum, I don't sew. I just don't know how. I've tried to learn and been thoroughly frustrated or messed up enough that it's more cost effective to go buy a costume.

Well...now I "sew". Or I at least do the steps it takes to have someone help me sew. I now know how to:

• read a pattern for yardage, measurements/sizes, etc.
• find a pattern
• find fabric that will work with pattern
• tell the different between an invisible zipper and an all-purpose zipper
• tell the different between a 20 in. zipper and a 7 in. zipper (stupid)
• figure out what interfacing is
• choose patterns to fit body shape/type
• read pattern directions
• cut out pattern pieces
• iron out pattern pieces on a temperature where the paper just flattens and doesn't burn
• mark fabric
• pin patterns
• cut out fabric with pattern pieces laid out WITH the grain

Sounds stupid and simple, but not so. There's been a lot of frustration and a lot (and I mean a LOT) of tears. No joke. But I now have one costume cut out (pattern and fabric) and the second costume pattern cut out. The first has gone to a neighbor's home to be put together (because my new found "skills" end there-I can't figure that out in two days. I can't even thread a bobbin) and the other one will be cut out tomorrow and taken to my Nana's house who is going to help me sew it together.

The costumes are for "Seasons of Love". One is for "Grease" (blue skirt), and the other is for "West Side Story"/pre-show character (purple dress). I'm scared I've screwed them both up, but hopefully I didn't.

In short, I don't sew. BUT now I do the other stuff. Woot. :P